Well, here we are at the last part of the last thing I think I've got to post from my old files. I had honestly intended to have this up well before now, but we all know how life away from the blog can be, and sadly, that just didn't happen. Once again, for those of you who may have been waiting, I do apologize for the amount of time this took.
We'll be starting this off with what is probably my favorite host segment of all the ones I ever wrote while I was doing MiSTings. I was, and still am, really, a Red Green fan, and the Adventures With Bill segment was one of my favorites from the show that at least used to run on PBS here in the States. Writing a host segment where I combined that with playing pinball in an arcade was really fun. I don't recall how well it actually went over with the audience, but I enjoyed writing it.
Also, my favorite single joke is in this part, as well. I think you'll know it when you see it.
So, without further ado, here's what may well be the last thing from my old files.
===================================================
>"Come on, let's go back to Headquarters," Rick said. "We have a lot to
>talk about."
RIKA: I'd say.
JESE: Say, Renamon. How's about you just give me my glasses back.
RENAMON: You gotta do something to get them back.
JESSE: How does a pinball match sound?
RENAMON: You're on!
[Exit theater]
[Scene is black and white; setting is an arcade, near a row of pinball
machines. JESSE's lines are all a voiceover for the action.]
JESSE:[voiceover] Well, I'd come up with a way to get my glasses back from
Renamon, so we all went down to the arcade here in the mall, the Starlight
Rainbow. Thought it would be interesting to challenge her to a round of
pinball, highest score wins, with a free game being an instant victory. Out
of fairnes, I decided to let Renamon go first.
[RENAMON approaches an old-looking pinball table. JESSE holds her back,
signals no with a hand sign and points to the one next to it.]
JESSE:[voiceover continued] Not that one, Renamon. It gets goofed up way
too easy. Plus, I sorta know how to cheat on this other one here.
[RENAMON puts a coin in the machine and starts playing. The others can be
almost be heard durring the action]
JESSE:[voiceover continued] Wow! Look at her go! I hadn't expected her to
be this good. Seven hundred fifty thousand and two targets on the first
ball. This may be more difficult than I thought... Really racking the
points up there. The second ball doubled the score and brought in three
more targets and one of the bonuses.
[The game obviously starts going downhill for RENAMON. All but JESSE sound
dissapointed]
JESSE:[voiceover continued] Things started to look up towards the end, but
I've still never broken the two-million point barrier.
[RENAMON's game ends and she gets several pats on the back; JESSE steps up
and begins *his* turn]
JESSE:[voiceover continued] Can't really see what I'm doing here... My
first ball was only half a million points and one target. This is not going
well. I may have to finish the movie without really being able to see it.
My second ball got me up to about nine hundred thousand, two more targets
and a bonus.
[The pinball machine starts acting strangely and JESSE's third ball is lost]
JESSE:[voiceover continued] Well, there went my third ball. Looks like I've
lost this one.
[The pinball game shakes violently as a Datalink Port opens and spits out
Mari LeChon from the *Digidefenders* series.]
JESSE:[voiceover continued] OK, well, that was interesting. Don't really
know what to call this. [JESSE and RIKA help MARI up.] At least our new
friend says she's alright. But it looks like I'm still visually impaired.
[Shot shows the pinball game doing the score match for a free game, where
the last two digits of the score wind up matching the randomly drawn
numbers.] Mabey not! Looks like I won a free game lottery style! [Holds
hand out towards RENAMON] Turn `em over, my friend!
[Seating arrangement is almost the same as before, with MARI sitting to the
left of JESSE.]
>
MARI: And I thought *Africa* was a dump...
JESSE: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
>
>
>Soon, all the Digidefenders gathered at Headquarters. On the video table
>were pictures >of Taomon's, Rapidmon's, and Vikaralamon's cards. There was
>also a large square with >a question mark representing War Growlmon.
JESSE: He's the Riddler.
>
>"You were right to be suspicious, Shinji," the Commander said. "The
>barrier may be >weak, but it's not weak enough to let so many powerful
>Digimon in at once. And since >Vikaralamon only appeared today, it is safe
>to assume that the other three were already >here."
RIKA: Nice piece of logic, Commander.
>
>"Then why didn't you guys detect them?" Jorge asked.
>
>"Probably because our scanners had only been able to detect Digimon who
>cross over. >These Digimon must've already been here."
LEOMON: When did these people start up, anyway?
>
>"To state Barrio Boy's question," Mari said. "Why didn't you guys detect
>them?"
>
>"That... I'm not sure of," the Commander admitted.
JESSE: So she answers the question for Jorge but turns around and *doesn't*
answer it for Mari?
MARI: That part made no sense whatsoever.
>
>"Commander?" One of the technicians came up and whispered something in her
>ear. >The Commander nodded, turned around and began programming one of the
>terminals.
>
>"Hey guys, I had a really freaky thought," Nikolai started.
RIKA: Sci Fi Channel Original Productions are good?
RENAMON: That *would* be a freaky thought...
>
>"No surprise there," Mari said rolling her eyes. Nikolai shot her an evil
>glance.
>
>"Seriously, though, I had an idea. What if there are people just like us."
JESSE: Other humans? Sure. The whole planet's full of `em.
>
>"What do you mean?" Eli asked. "You mean more people with the ability to
>call forth >Digimon?"
MARI:[sarcastic] No. Other people who live solely on hamburgers. Of course
he means other Digidefenders, you fool!
>
>"Yes, more Digidefenders. What if those three Digimon belonged to some
>other >people."
>
>"That's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," Mari snapped.
JESSE: Let me get my tape recorder...
MARI:[slaps JESSE hard enough to turn his head away]
JESSE:[groans] That's gonna leave a bruise.
>
> "We're the >Digidefenders, not some
>stupid idiots who live in Tokyo.
RIKA:[stands up] Why you...!
RENAMON:[holds RIKA back] Not in the theater, Rika!
>
> I mean if there were more of >us, which I so highly doubt, I
>doubt they'd be powerful enough to allow their Digimon >to digivolve all
>the way to ultimate. I mean if we can't, then it's most likely those
> >pathetic screwballs can't either.
RIKA: I am *not* a pathetic screwball!
MARI: You are so!
RIKA: Am *not*!
MARI: Are too!
JESSE: Knock that off!
> And besides, the Commander
>would've told us about >them. Right, Commander?" Mari gazed at the
>Commander with a dark look. The >Commander continued her programming.
>
>"You are the only ones that I know of," she said simply.
>
>"There, see, point proven. Those Digimon are probably just fight-lovers
>who crossed >over with Vikaralamon. Discussion closed."
JESSE: Pretty much the whole WWF, right there.
>
>But Shinji wasn't so sure. The Commander was right, allowing four
>Ultimate-level >Digimon to cross over was just too impossible, even for
>this business. He turned >towards the table with the images of the four
>cards on it.
>
>{I don't care what Frenchie thinks,} Shinji thought.
LEOMON: If he's smart, he won't actually say that.
MARI: Now there's a Digimon who knows what he's talking about.
>
> {Those Digimon didn't cross over, >they were called forth to battle
>Vikaralamon and save the city. But the question is, who >called them
>forth? And why?}
>
>
>
>Yamaki was a defeated man. The Juggernaut was destroyed, so was Hugoth.
JESSE: Hugoth? What?
JERI: I've never heard of it.
>
> And >everybody deserted him,
>even Riley. Basically, Hypnos was out of business, for good. >And it was
>all those Tamers' fault.
JESSE:[Yamaki] I'm an idiot, so *my* mistakes are all *your* fault. [normal]
How American of him.
MARI: You'd know.
>
>{No,} Yamaki thought. {It wasn't, it was that giant Digimon's fault. And
>what about >that Digimon whose voice seem to appear out of nowhere. It
>probably had a hand in all >this too.}
RENAMON: He may have half an ounce of brains after all.
>
>A shadow crossed Yamaki's line of sight. He looked up as the Commander
>stepped out >from the darkness.
>
>"You!" Yamaki gasped.
>
>"Yes, me."
JESSE:[Babylon 5's Londo/Yamaki] My old friend G'Kar. I should have known
you'd show up sooner or later.
>
>Yamaki took a breath and let out a small chuckle. "So, come to rub my
>failures in my >face, have you?"
>
>"You know me, Yamaki. I'm not like that."
>
>"You're right, you're not."
>
>"So tell me, are there..."
>
>Yamaki already knew what she was going to ask. "Yes, there are. I saw
>them for >myself."
RIKA: He saw all three good Sci Fi Channel Original Productions?
MARI: What were they?
JESSE: Farscape. Lexx, mabey. I'm not sure what the third would be.
>
>"I figured as much. I'm just sorry it had to come to this," the Commander
>said.
>
>"Me too."
>
>"So what are you going to do?"
>
>"I'm not sure."
>
>The Commander took off her sun glasses and stared at him. "Yamaki, what do
>you >want to do more? Destroy Digimon or save humanity?"
>
>"That shouldn't even be a question, I want to save humanity."
>
>"Then maybe you should. The time is coming, Yamaki. The gray line is
>becoming >black and white. You must be on one side or the other, you can't
>have it both ways."
>
>"I know. So tell me, which side are you on?"
>
>The Commander put her sun glasses back on. "That shouldn't even be a
>question," she >repeated.
JESSE:[Yamaki] So you haven't really decided yet either, huh?
>
>Yamaki chuckled again. "Touche."
JESSE: Turtle.
JERI: Another oldie, huh?
>
>"Choose your allies and enemies carefully, Yamaki," the Commander
>recommended as >she turned and started to walk away. "Especially be wary
>of your enemies. They could >actually be allies."
>
>"You always did love to hand out riddles."
JESSE: How do they know one another, anyway?
LEOMON: Beats the heck outta me.
JERI: What was the riddle?
MARI: Yeah. It sounded an awfull lot like she just said "Keep your friends
close and your enimies closer."
>
>The Commander stopped and turned her head. "It gives the brain something
>to think >about other than death, destruction, and prejudice." And she
>went away leaving >Yamaki to go home and nurse the part of him that was
>wounded the most: his pride.
RENAMON: Nice ending, anyway.
JESSE: Yeah.
MARI: Let's just get out of here. The funny smell is starting to bother me.
[all exit theater]
[Lobby. Wide view. A thin man dressed just like JESSE, only unbruised,
with a powder gray beard and no glasses is at the snack counter.]
MAN:[deeper voice than JESSE's; Canadian accent] Well, folks, I've got an
announcement to make, but I gotta wait for Dalton to show up.
[LEOMON enters, still dressed as Dalton Humphries. The Man looks over at
him.]
MAN: Boy, uh, Dalton. Aren't you a little old to have a growth spurt like
that?
LEOMON: I'm not Dalton.
MAN: You're not? You sure look like him.
LEOMON: I'm not. My name's Leomon. [pause] Are you the *real* Red Green?
RED GREEN: That I am. But where's the real Dalton? You didn't eat him or
something...?
LEOMON: No, no. I don't do things like that.
[DALTON Humphries and JESSE enter.]
DALTON: Red! Red! We've got a problem! [sees LEOMON] Oh, I see you've
already found out.
RED GREEN: Yep. So, what's with the guys dressed like us around here,
anyway?
JESSE: Well, there's a young woman around here that gets him and me mixed up
if we don't dress different.
LEOMON: So we decided to dress like the two of you to keep from having her
beat up the wrong person.
RED GREEN: Doesn't look like it worked too well. You've got a doozy of a
bruise there...
JESSE: Ah, no, somebody else did that. It'll be awhile before I mention
tape recorders again.
DALTON: So where is this ladyfriend of yours?
LEOMON: She's out with everyone else getting ready for this announcement.
RED GREEN: Oh, the meeting. We'll be right there.
JESSE: Ah. OK. We'd better get going, then.
[DALTON, JESSE and LEOMON leave the lobby. RED GREEN stays for a moment.]
RED GREEN: Well, for those of you in South Dakota, my movie *Red Green: Duct
Tape Forever* should be shipping real soon. [turns around] If my wife is
watching, we'll be home as soon as we're all done filming the local ads for
the movie. [turns back] And for the rest of you, keep your stick on the ice.
[waves and leaves]
[Hallway, set up to look like a meeting at Possum Lodge, with a row of
chairs facing the camera and several rows of filled chairs facing away. In
the front row are JESSE and LEOMON, still dressed as Red and Dalton, then an
empty chair for RED GREEN, then the *real* DALTON and Winston Rothschild.
The theme to "The Red Green Show" can be heard in the background.]
JESSE: All rise.
[The crowd stands up, raises first the left hand, then the right, and put
their hands on the opposite shoulders]
ALL: Quando Omni Flunkus Mortai.
RED GREEN: Sit down.
[all sit]
RED GREEN: Bow your heads for the Men's Prayer.
ALL: I'm a man, but I can change. If I have to. I guess.
RED GREEN: OK, so if any of you guys know the whereabouts of a guy who goes
by "Phantom 1," raise your hand.
[no hands go up]
RED GREEN: Ah, OK, the folks looking for him already did some damage to
somebody bigger than them. [to JESSE] Show `em that bruise, Jesse.
JESSE:[turns head to reveal bruise]
[almost all raise their hands.]
[the theme music gets louder for the credits.]
Voices:
{JMST3K}
Jesse Shearer as JESSE
Steve Smith as RED GREEN
Bob Bainborogh as DALTON Humphries
Bridgette Hoffman as JERI
Paul St. Peter as LEOMON
Melissa Fahn as RIKA and MARI
Mari Devon as RENAMON
{Digidefenders}
Melissa Fahn as Mari
George Takei as Shinji
Cree Summer as Chi
Claudia Christian as Commander
Stephen Jay Blum as Yamaki
Jeffery Hirschfield as Jorge
Peter Jurasik as Nikolai
Philece Sapmler as Betamon
Michael McManus as Lopmon/Endigmon
Nancy Cartwright as Elecmon
Brian Downey as Ponchomon
{Televison and Cartoons}
Farscape and LEXX copyright Sci Fi Channel.
Babylon Five copyright Warner Bros.
Touche Turtle copyright Hanna Barbera.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 copyright Best Brains, Inc. and Sci Fi Channel.
The Red Green Show copyright S & S productions.
Pokemon copyright Nintendo and 4Kids Entertainment.
The Lone Gunmen copyright Chris Carter.
{Music}
"Whip It" performed by Devo.
"Whole Lotta Shakin'" perfromed by Jerry Lewis.
{Movies}
Star Trek: Generations copyright Paramount.
{General}
Mega Man copyright Capcom.
Windows XP copyright Microsoft.
"Where's Waldo?" copyright its creators.
Coacoa Pebbles produced by General Mills.
WWF owned by Vince McMahon.
Attack From Mars pinball table copyright Bally.
J. Michael Shearer's Theater created by Jesse "J. Michael" Shearer.
Disclamers: 1) This work does not indicate intend to infringe on the rights
of Best Brains, Inc.; the Sci Fi Channel; or the original author. 2) None
of the actors or performers listed were consulted or compensated in any way
in regards to this production.
Stringer:
>
>Shinji's mother closed the door behind her. She thought she heard a thump,
>like >something falling, but dismissed it as clothes or school books.
>
>"Don't worry, Mom, I'm not hiding anything legal."
=======================================================
Ah yes, "I'm an idiot so my mistakes are all your fault". It seems like things are still like that a decade on. I guess the more things change, the more they stay the same, right? As much as I try not to be like that myself, I can't really help it, I suppose. I'm an American, too, after all.
I might go through my old stuff at some point later to see if I can find anything else that might be interesting to post here, but I'm not sure what might be left after this. And since I've finished this and am at post #20 in this series, this seems like as good a place as any to stop if I have to.
At any rate, thanks for taking an interest and reading this old stuff of mine. I hope I can keep this interesting going forward. Until next time, folks!
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