MiSTing: Clearing The Queue

As I was considering this introduction, I came to realize that it was for what is likely to be the last wholly new Mystery Science Theater treatment I write for quite a long time, at the very least. I'm not going to say I'm completely done with this style and/or format forever. It's difficult to say what I'm going to find out there on the Web, after all. There's always the potential for more, of course, and I'm always on the lookout for it.

At the same time, the Internet is a very different place now, relative to what it was when Misties like myself started writing these things. Thanks to the modern accessability to the online world we enjoy, the selection of material is far greater than I could have imagined even fifteen years ago, when I moved into my own apartment. Generally speaking, at least in my way of thinking, that's a good thing, especially when it comes to works of fiction of various sorts. The down side is that there seems to be a substantially lesser amount of material that I'm comfortable working with and able to use, relative to what there was in, for example, 2003.

There's a riff towards the end of this one where the in-universe “me” character comments on having read a lot of fan fiction that has a lot of the same sort of errors seen in the junk mail being presented here. When questioned as to why the spam is being presented instead of the stories, the response is that the assumption is that the folks doing the stories are trying their best and not just trying to get into my bank account. That's a bit of the real-world me slipping in, because I really have seen some bits of fiction that might have been pretty good, had it not been for awkward formatting and/or spelling and grammar peculiarities that could just as easily be the result of English being a second language for the author. On top of that, I've also read some things that were way better than I had expected at first. There's a real chance that reccomendations will come at a later date.

For now, though, I'd best get on with the feature presentation. This is, as I've mentioned, a pair of junk emails I found to work with at the end of last year and have finally gotten something done with. It's going to be a chonker of a post, but there's a good reason for that. While this is going to be longer than I'd ordinarily like, it's not long enough to split up, either. With that in mind, here's the actual thing:

* * * * * * * *

Title: JST3K: Clearing The Queue

Element #1: Business proposal From Mr Thomason Wilcox

Element #2: REF/PAYMENT CODE 09284B

Original Authors: Unknown

MiSTing Author: Jesse Shearer

Era: Nonstandard

Category: Ad/Spam

[Scene opens on JESSE coming out of the theater's office with a pair of home-movie style 8-mm film reels in his right hand. As he passes through the lobby on his way to the projector room, he sees a RENAMON standing by the concession stand. He approaches.]

JESSE: Hey, Renamon, right?

RENAMON: That's me.

JESSE: Well, hey, nice to see you again. If you don't mind my asking, are you the one from the anime, or are you the one that did a few ad-spams with me here?

RENAMON: The latter. It's been awhile and I've been trying to get ahold of you.

JESSE: Yeah, I know, I know. I've had quite a lot of “real life” stuff going on the last... fifteen years, now, I guess. Being a human adult kinda sucks.

RENAMON: At least you seem to be taking a break now. What are you showing today?

JESSE: Just a couple bits of junk email I wanna have a look at so they're out of my queue and off my mind so I can work on other stuff. I could use a little company, if you'd care to join me.

RENAMON: That's what I'm here for.

JESSE: Great! Feel free to grab some goodies and head on in. I'll get these started and be there in a minute.

[double door opens, revealing JESSE on the left, three seats in from the aisle, with RENAMON at the end of the row of seats to his right]

>From:thomason wilcox

JESSE: Yes, I'm sure he will.

>Sent:Wednesday, November 25, 2020 1:54 AM
>To:Recipients <thomasonwilcox343@gmail.com>

JESSE:Oh, yeah, that's trustworthy.

RENAMON: You'd know, Mister Hotmail In Currentyear.

>Subject:Business proposal From Mr Thomason Wilcox.

RENAMON: To the point, at least.

>

>MY BUSINESS PROPOSAL

JESSE: OR: Why I'm Wasting Your Bandwidth!

>
>I will like to discuss this business with you and it has nothing to

>do with someone in my country believe me is only you that is

>outside South Africa can handle this deal.

RENAMON: Uh huh, sure.

>i only got your contact details from when I was searching for a

>friend Information On-line Service on my personal programmed search

>on the internet for an individual to assist with sincerely & confidential

>which your information & profiles were very satisfactory; so I decided to

>contact you immediately.

JESSE: Wait, what...?

>It is my great pleasure to write you this letter and this email is my private

>email as we need to keep this transaction as a confidential.t.00196@yahoo.com

JESSE: Keep it as a messed up Yahoo address?

RENAMON: Apparently so.

>within the bank where I work as an account officer; I want to tell you

>that I work with Absa bank of South Africa. And here in our bank I

>discovered that a customer deposited the sum of USD6 Million in our

>bank On my finding i discovered that he passed away on the covid-19

JESSE: Oh, hey, modern!

RENAMON: Covid is a date on human calendars now?

JESSE: The way it's going in my part of the world, it's liable to be a 19-year period.

>since then none of his relative came for the funds claim and I don’t

>think anyone knows about this fund.

RENAMON: Probably because it doesn't actually exist.

>I am his account officer.

JESSE: Good for you

>So I am writing to you as I will want you to stand as his next of kin

>so that the funds will be released to you. It is pure deal transaction

>between me and you. I am seeking your assistance to front as the

>next of kin to the unclaimed deceased funds; an application for claim

>to reflect payment and approvals will be secured on behalf of your

>name as I have a good lawyer friend who will help us proceed with

>everything to my bank making an application with your name to my

>bank as you been the next of kin and for the release of the funds to

>you in any of your account in overseas and not here in my country

>south Africa but the funds need to be transferred out of south Africa.

JESSE: Ah, the standard simple-as-that, clear-as-mud spiel.

RENAMON: Some things never change.

JESSE: Yeah, probably because they never have to.

>I have to propose that should you be willing to assist me in this

>transaction your share as compensation will be (30%) I will then

>get (65%) with the lawyer who will be assisting us and the balance

>of (5%) for taxation and miscellaneous expenses incurred during the

>transfer process.

JESSE: Or, more likely, they'll get 100% of my money for themselves.

>The business is completely safe and secure; provided

>you treat it with Utmost confidentiality As a transfer of powers of attorney

>will be secured in favor of your name through my lawyer friend and for

>my bank to release the funds on your name as the next of kin. I have

>reposed my confidence in you and hope that you will not disappoint me.
>

JESSE: Well, I do aim to please.

>Your urgent response needed.

RENAMON: I hope nine months is urgent enough.

>Please kindly contact me back on my private email:  t.00196@yahoo.com
>

JESSE: Oh yes, by all means, do so.

>Thanks
>Mr. Thomason Wilcox

>

JESSE: You, too, man.

RENAMON: Uh huh.

>

JESSE: You OK with doing both at once?

RENAMON: If they're short like this.

JESSE: You're in luck, that was the long one.

RENAMON: OK then, may as well finish this.

>

>From:Mr. António Guterres <antooonio1026@msn.com>

JESSE: People still use that, huh?

RENAMON: Apparently so.

>Sent:Thursday, December 3, 2020 1:07 PM
>Subject:REF/PAYMENTS CODE: 09284B.

>
>
>UN COMPENSATIONS PAYMENTS UNIT.

JESSE: The what now?

>REF/PAYMENTS CODE: 09284B.
>AMOUNT ; $3 Million USD.

JESSE: Less and less all the time.

RENAMON: What, you think they haven't noticed you doing these things?

>
>
>How are you, Hope all is well with you and your family,

JESSE: Eh, could be better...

>You may not understand why this mail came to you,

JESSE: You mean it's not a scam?

RENAMON: Then again, maybe they're not onto you...

>United Nation have been having a meeting for the past 3 weeks

>which ended 25 November, 2020 with the new World Bank President

>Mr.David Robert Malpass

JESSE: Yeah, I'll bet he /is/ a malp ass.

>and the USA Secretary of State Mr. Michael R. Pompeo.
>

>This email is to all the people that have been scammed in any part

>of the world, and

JESSE: ...we think will still fall for this sort of thing.

>the people that have lost their properties in the

>earthquakes and tsunami, this includes business and company that

>have been affected due to COVID19 pandemic

RENAMON: So basically anyone with a functional email address.

JESSE: Just like every single one of these.

>United Nations and World Bank have agreed to compensate them

>with the sum of Three Million United States Dollars ($USD3,000,000.00) each.
>

RENAMON: Per person, huh? Is that all it takes these days?

JESSE: I really wanna hope not, but I gotta remember the world I live in...

>Your name and email was in the list submitted by our Monitoring

>Team and this is why we are contacting you, this have been agreed

>upon and have been signed.
>

JESSE: Oh, have it, now?

>You are advised to contact Mr. Tony S. Kaska of  Midwest Heritage

>Bank Iowa, as he is our representative, contact him immediately to

>enable you receive your Funds ($USD3,000,000.00) This funds are in

>a Bank Draft for security purpose, But the Bank will open account in

>your name, and the fund will be deposited and you will be able to

>access your account and transfer your fund successfully to any Bank

>account of your choice.
>

JESSE: You know, I've been reading a lot of fan fiction that sounds a good deal like this...

RENAMON: So, why are you doing these junk emails instead?

JESSE: Mostly because I'm sure the people behind the fanfics are doing their best and are not trying to scam me.

>Therefore, you should send him your full Name, your telephone

>number, your correct address zip code and a copy of your passport

>photograph.
>

JESSE: And there's the identity theft section.

RENAMON: We knew that was coming.

>Contact Mr. Tony S. Kaska immediately for your payment:
>E-MAIL:    midwestheritage@citromail.hu
>Name: Mr. Tony S. Kaska
>
>Good-luck and kind regards,
>Mr. António Guterres
>Secretary (UNITED NATIONS).
>UN making the world a better place

JESSE: Considering what the world's been through lately, the obvious joke there seems more than a little tasteless.

RENAMON: I think that's all the more that needs to be said about that.

JESSE: Yeah. Let's get out of here and wrap this up, shall we?

RENAMON: Indeed.

[both return to the lobby]

JESSE: So that's the end of that, I guess.

RENAMON: So it seems.

JESSE: I really don't have anything interesting to wrap this up with, but seeing some of my older stuff lately, I guess that's nothing new.

RENAMON: That's understandable, though. I'd better be going. We've both got stuff to get on with.

JESSE: Yeah. Well, thanks for coming by. It was a help getting through this stuff. Hopefully, it won't be another fifteen years before we can do this again.

RENAMON: No problem. I'll be around whenever you're ready, in that case. [leaves through main entrance]

[credits, theme song: Spam by Weird Al]

+ = + = + = + =

And now that this is out of the way, I might finally be able to get back to some of the other projects I've been meaning to get on with for far too long now. I've still got the video game stuff to finish, and I might even get to what is, at least for me, a brand new Switch game to do a Text Play of, assuming I don't make other plans later There's also the old MST stuff I'm reposting, and since I found that archive from back in the day, there's even the possibility that that list will include the “real” “last episode” of the Digidefenders series. There are also other things I'll save for later.

As I was saying at the top of this, this is not necessarily goodby forever when it comes to new material of this sort. It just may be awhile before it comes because, as noted, I've got other projects, too, and new material, at least for me, has proven hard to come by.

Per usual, I'll see you with more stuff soon, or at least that's the plan. Untill next time, everyone.