MiSTing: Your Fund Is Save

It's been a while since I've done this style of writing.  If you've been following this blog for long, you've probably seen past attempts, from when I did it more regularly.  I think I may have lost a bit of my touch at it, but practice makes perfect, I guess.

So, below the jump, my first Mystery Science Theater-style writing in at least ten years: a spam called Your Fund Is Save.

MiSTing: YOUR FUND IS SAVE

ERA: Nonstandard/none: J. Michael Shearer's Theater one-off

Category: ad/spam

Original Author: unknown

MiSTing Author: Jesse Shearer

Opening Scene

The scene opens on the head and shoulders of a heavyset middle aged man with glasses and a somewhat gray beard, as seen from a webcam, presumably mounted atop a computer monitor. The shelves behind the man is cluttered with various books, VHS tapes, and other random items, including a glass-brick clock. This man is me, JESSE, trying to come back to the Mystery Science Theater fan fiction scene.

JESSE: Hey, folks, it's your good buddy Jesse Shearer again. It's been quite awhile since I've done one of these, so I'm probably more than a little bit out of practice. I dunno if I'll do many of these in this format. This might even be the only one, as it kind of gives away the fact that I'm pretty much intending this to be written only. Still, considering what I've got planned for the near future, I suppose I should see if I can still do this.

[scene shifts to JESSE silhouetted at the bottom of the screen, in the center]

JESSE: OK, so let's see what this is about, shall we?

>

> From: cbeltramea@comcast.net
> Subject: {Spam?}

JESSE: Yes, I'm pretty sure it is.

>YOUR FUND IS SAVE.

JESSE: Yeah, but if I fall for this, I'm pretty sure my bank account will be [Cyberman] DELETE DELETE DELETE!

> Date: Tue, 28 Jan 2014 14:17:32 +0100
>
> Attn: Dear Friend
>

JESSE: Who, me?

>
>
> I am Ms Caroline Owen.

JESSE: Good for you.

> A computer scientist with Central Bank of Nigeria.

JESSE: And...? That doesn't exactly inspire confidence.

> I am 26 years old, a british citizen

JESSE: Keep that in mind, folks...

> just started work with CBN, I came across your file which was marked X

JESSE: Huh, always knew I was something of an X-File...

> and your released disk painted RED, I took time to study it and found out that you have paid > VIRTUALLY all fees and certificate

JESSE: Yeah, and I bet all that's left is exactly the amount I've got in my bank account right now...

> but the fund has not been release to you.
>

JESSE: [sarcastic] It hasn't?

>
> The most annoying thing is that they cannot tell you the truth that on no account will they ever > release the fund to you.
>

JESSE: Well, at least you're honest about that part...

>
> Please this is like a Mafia setting in Nigeria;

JESSE: Why do I not doubt that?

> you may not understand it because you are not a Nigerian.

JESSE: Yeah, I guess I'm not enough of a British citizen for that, right, Ms. Owen?

> The only thing I will need to release this fund is a special HARD DISK we call it HD120 GIG. I will > buy two of it, recopy your information, destroy the previous one, and punch the computer to reflect in > your bank within 24 hours I will clean up the tracer and destroy your file,

JESSE: Oh, is that all? And here, I thought you'd have to do something that made sense...

> after which I will run away from Nigeria to meet with you.
>

JESSE: [GamerPoop Shepard] We'll bang, OK?

> If you are interested.

JESSE: /What/ if I am interested?

> Do get in touch with me immediately, You should send to me your convenient tell/fax numbers for > easy communications and also re confirm your banking details, so that there won't be any mistake.
>

JESSE: Yes, willingly give us your details. That way we can say it wasn't stolen.

> for phone converstion,please call me on 2348136890036

JESSE: [GamerPoop Shepard] We'll bang, OK?

> Regards,
> Ms Caroline Owen

JESSE: But no regards from me.

[scene shifts back to opening]

JESSE: Well, I know this was hardly my best work ever, especially in this genre. Considering how long it's been since I've done something like it, though, I suppose it's not that bad. I feel a bit dumb for having to repeat that “we'll bang” joke as quickly as I did, but I really couldn't think of anything better. Anyway, I've got a piece of standard prose fiction that coming soon that'll transition back into my “more normal” setting for this sort of thing, and I may even have some other characters to interact with. Until then, [waves hand] see you soon.

End Credits theme: MegaMan RoboVOICE by Joe Redifer

Credits:

Gamer Poop: ManS1ay3r and Machinima

Mega Man series: Capcom Games

RoboVoice song: Joe Redifer

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Best Brains, Inc

Doctor Who: BBC

X-Files: Chris Carter/Ten Thirteen Productions

This MiSTing: Jesse Shearer

===============================================================

I also posted this to the rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc group.  It'll be interesting to see what comes of this in the future.