Not So Good, Really

There's a good sized list of things I'd like to get on with, but I just haven't felt up to it lately.

I've been feeling more than a little wiped out this month. Maybe it's that I'm finally realizing just what I mean when I tell people I'm not young any more. After all, I turned 45 at the beginning of the month, and when I went to see my doctor the day after my birthday, he said I was elegible for a colonoscopy, which is something I'm not really looking forward to. It means I'm getting old, and to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

This is something that's been my mind more and more the last couple years. Probably the biggest thing that got me to thinking about all this was the passing of my last grandparent in February of 2020, just before the whole pandemic mess started. I was 42, going on 43 at the time, and even then, I was beginning to rethink how I was spending my time.

Some of the things I used to do more of and would like to get back to doing more of just don't seem as much fun as they used to. I'm not sure why that is, really, but it seems to be the case. These blog posts I do here are a good example. I enjoy doing them when I manage to do them. I just haven't felt especially motivated to do them lately, and I'm not sure why.

There are other things that I've stopped doing as much as I used to because, well, it was just time for that, and I've only quite recently managed to get my head far enough around it to put it into words in any meaningful way. There were better ways to go about some of it than the way I wound up doing it, I'm sure, and while I may regret it to some extent, I also don't as much as some might think, either.

In both situations, things have changed, and that means at least trying to adapt somehow, either by trying to find ways to make some of the old things fun again or by finding other things to do with my time. One good reason for that is that I spend way more time than I should in front of this computer, and that needs to change. It's at least part of why I haven't spent as much time on various social media platforms lately.

One thing I do know is that I've spent a good portion of this year considering that I'm really not young any more, and what I want to make of both who and what I have been thus far and what I'm going to do with what time I've got left. I think that may have been part of where I was going with this post from January that I wrote while watching a Bond movie on Hulu. I'm not sure where I fit in modern times, and I'm not sure I even still do. About all I've got for now is that I'm trying to figure out where my life is really headed, and that's not an easy thing, at least for me.

I still have a few ideas I want to work with here. I just need to get myself motivated to do it somehow, and I'm not sure how.

I'm also not sure how to end this post, so I think this will do for now. See you soon, I hope.