I think I may be having one, but I'm not entirely sure.
There's been a lot going on this year that I really haven't had
time to stop and think about much until August, when my folks went on
their summer vacation, just before my birthday. Since then, a lot of
what's been going on has finally had time to sink in, and I think I
may be a little depressed as a result.
So much has changed since this time last year, and in a lot of big
ways. My brother has just about finished school. He's in the final
stages of getting a doctorate, and even has a big, fancy job to go
along with it. This time ten years ago, I would never have guessed
anything of the sort would happen. Five years ago, it seemed like
he'd never get done, but now he has, and he seems to be off to a fine
Another big change is my dad. Everybody's been handling his
retirement well over the last five years, especially him. Naturally
he'd been slowing down some, in part because that's what happens when
a person gets into their late fifties and early sixties. Alongside
that was a bad hip that he had replaced back in March. Even though
he's in pretty good shape for a guy his age, I gotta say, I'm
actually kind of surprised that he's pretty much back to his old self
already, barely seven months later. I'm glad he's feeling good
enough to do all the things he likes to do again, and I would like to
see him continue at them for a good long while yet. I suppose that's
where a lot of my concern comes in, because he's always been, far as
I can tell, the sort of guy who tends to get maybe a little too
enthusiastic about things, almost to the point where it seems amazing
that he hasn't put himself in a wheelchair, at the very least, by
this point. I don't want to see him wind up getting stopped now
because his enthusiasm for the things he does got the better of him.
All this thinking that's been going on has made me wonder if I
haven't wound up wasting my life. Here I am, a college-educated
36-year-old man who's spent the last dozen years or so working in a
burger joint. There's nothing wrong with that, in particular. It's
just that I'm nowhere close to where I thought I'd be at this point
in my life. Knowing that I'm at least partly responsible for that,
simply because I'm tactless enough to write and post blog entries
like this. In many cases, I do the things I do because I can think
of no better way to get the things done that I need to get done, even
if it isn't exactly the right way of doing them.
With all the amazing things that have been going on around me
these last few months, I find myself wondering if I haven't wound up
wasting my life. I mean, sure, I've got my own place, a job that's
good enough for me to survive on, and enough time to do things that
keep me relatively entertained. From what I've observed, I guess
some of those things even keep other people entertained as well,
which I suppose is a good thing.
But lately, that's felt like it's not enough, like I somehow need
more. It makes me wonder just how much more I can do, at which
point, I start wondering how much more I want
This plays into what it says
about me in that
Dungeons and Dragons thing I posted last week. The alignment
section said I'd be a True Neutral character in the game, which fits.
I certainly don't want to come across as indifferent, if avoidable,
but at the same time, the idea of pushing for extremes rarely seems
smart or correct, even when I may seem to be doing it myself.
At any rate, this is one of those
moments when I'm feeling wasted, like I've led a less-than-worthwhile
life thus far.