I'd intended to have this done before my birthday, but due to life going on an other things, that didn't quite work out as expected. Plus, it kind of left me feeling like I needed to rush the ending, which explains why it's kind of messed up.
There are a couple relevant links towards the very end. They're not terribly critical, but they will make the experience a little better, I hope. The actual finished product is below the jump:
MiSTing: Spams Of Wierdness
Elements:
From Suleiman Al. Abbas (Syria).
Author: Unknown
Work From Home Author: Unknown
YOUR REF:CLAIMS/ATM/203
(partial) Author: Unknown
ERA: Nonstandard/none: J. Michael
Shearer's Theater
Category: ad/spam
Original Author(s): unknown
MiSTing Author: Jesse Shearer
[Scene One opens on JESSE working at
the desk in his theater's office. The desk is scattered with random
things one might more expect to find on a home office desk (i.e. an
empty water bottle, headphones, an assortment of pens and pencils,
and the like) As he works, he picks up a mug and takes a sip of the
contents, absent-mindedly looking at the desktop as he does,
eventually noticing a strange device that he didn't remember being
there previously.]
JESSE [setting mug down and picking up
device]: The heck...? Is this a digivice? Don't remember having one
of these, even when I was into the Digimon anime. [looks around on
the desk; feels left pants pocket] Where's my phone? Coulda sworn I
brought it with me... [pause] The land line's probably out of service
by now... [pause] Hope I've got time to go talk to whomever's in the
security office before Bentley and Murray show up.
[JESSE stands up and walks out of the
office. Upon entering the lobby, he sees a yellow foxlike creature
leaning against the snack counter.]
JESSE [surprised]: Oh, hello! It's
been awhile, Renamon. Nice to see you again.
RENAMON [aproaching JESSE]: It sure has
been. [kisses JESSE on the lips]
JESSE [surprised]: That's certainly a
pleasant way of saying hello. Might I assume this means you're the
one who came to watch infomercials with me a few times?
RENAMON: That's me. [knees JESSE in the
groin, causing him to gasp in pain and collapse]
[Scene fades to an intro/title segment,
with a few brief scenes from the “classic” JMST3K series under
“Holy Shit It's A Dinosaur” by Dr. Dinosaur]
[Scene Two opens with JESSE becoming
conscious in the security office as Inspector FOX dresses a wound on
his forehead while ODO supervises.]
JESSE: [coming around, surprised] Gha!
What hit me?
ODO: We were hoping you could tell us.
When your “guests” found you, you were unconscious on the floor
by the concession stand in your theater with a rather unusual device
by your side.
JESSE: Kind of a rectangular-shaped
thing with a screen and yellow trim and a little brass around the
edges, and a nylon strap with a clip on one end?
ODO: That would be it. Is there
anything else you remember from before you passed out?
JESSE: Well, I found that device on the
desk in my office and was going to bring it here to ask you guys if
you knew how it got there, just in case. It seems like there was
somebody else there, but that's all I can remember about that. Must
have hit my head on the counter on the way down or something.
FOX: That's how it looks. Since you
don't seem to have any other obvious injuries, perhaps we should go
back to the theater to look around. It might help you remember more.
[gives JESSE room to stand up and move]
JESSE: [standing] Thanks. Good idea.
[heads for the door] Might be a little slow to start off with here.
Still a little sore in a few places.
FOX: [following] Yes, after a fall like
that, I would think so.
ODO: [following] By the way, your new
friends said they'd look around while they waited.
JESSE: [heading to theater]: Murray and
Bentley are here already? [pause] I suppose they would be.
ODO: All three of them.
JESSE: Three of them? Did they find
that guy they were looking for? That, uh, Sly Cooper, I think his
name was?
FOX: That's the guy.
JESSE: I certainly hope I haven't kept
them waiting too long. I'm rather looking forward to meeting this
Cooper fellow. [approaching theater door] Ah, here we go. Let's see
who's here, shall we? [opens door, enters; shouts] Hello? Anybody
home?
MURRAY: [unseen] We're in the office!
JESSE: OK, we'll be right there! [to
ODO and FOX] Let's see what the Lone Gunmen are up to, shall we?
FOX: Lead on.
[JESSE heads to the office, followed by
his companions, to find MURRAY Hippopotamus, BENTLEY Turtle and SLY
Cooper, a six-foot tall male raccoon, waiting, positioned as if
they'd been discussing the situation]
JESSE: Hey, guys, thanks for coming.
Sorry for keeping you waiting. Had an unexpected guest get the
better of me. [to SLY] You must be Sly Cooper. [extends hand]
Nice to meet you. Your friends seemed eager to find you last week.
SLY: [shaking JESSE's hand] Yeah, we
only work as a team. And Bentley was right when he described you as
looking like Murray with lots of hair. Nice to meet you, too, by the
way.
JESSE: I suppose there is a
resemblance. Any luck on finding our fourth guest, as it were?
BENTLEY: Not really. The only real
clue was the device we found with you when we got here, and I can't
make heads or tails of it.
JESSE: I never really could, either.
It's something called a D-Arc. Kinda forgot I had it myself until I
found it on the desk. Mind if I have a look at it? Might refresh my
memory.
MURRAY: Here you go. [tosses device to
JESSE]
ODO: So, what does this device of yours
do, anyway?
JESSE: [catches device] I'm not really
sure, exactly. I never really had a chance to try it myself.
[fiddles with device] Looks like it might need batteries or
something.
ODO: Just our luck. Our one lead, and
it's got no power.
JESSE: I'm sure I've got some
batteries around here someplace. But we'll figure that out later. I
promised my guests here some infomercials. You and the Inspector are
free to join us if you'd like.
FOX: We're still on duty, but thanks
for the offer.
ODO: We'll be back later, though, and
maybe with more information.
JESSE: Well, then, I'll let you get
back to work. Thanks for coming by.
[FOX and ODO depart]
JESSE: Anyway, I suspect you three have
other things to do before long, so what say we get down to business?
SLY: Well, there's no rush since we're
sort of between missions right now, but the sooner we get back to
work the better, I suppose.
BENTLEY: Our funds are beginning to run
a little low, after all.
JESSE: In that case, I may be able to
help you at least find a mission or two with today's items.
SLY: Oh? How do you figure?
JESSE: Two of them are from bank
scammers, which might be right up your alley, since you only target
other thieves, if I understand your style correctly.
BENTLEY: You've got us figured out,
alright.
MURRAY: You make it sound like you've
got more than two films for us, though.
JESSE: Yeah, three, actually. The
third's a work-from-home scheme that'll be taking the place of the
almost-drugs thing I showed you last time. But anyway, just for the
sake of convenience and to make sure everything still worked, I've
got the first two set up, since they came out as reel-to-reel movies.
SLY: Good move. That does make things
a little easier.
BENTLEY: I had hoped to see this
converter of yours in action after hearing you talk about it before.
JESSE: I remember, and I did save the
last of the three to demonstrate with. [takes a beat-up red file
folder from the desk and removes a single printed page] This is the
second of the bank scams here. I doubt this'll be longer than five
minutes, so I'm expecting either another film reel or a VHS cassette.
Just insert the article here... [feeds page into slot nearest desk;
machine buzzes and whirs for about a minute] ...and wait for the
playable media to come out the other end. [a bell rings as something
slides into one of the trays on the side of the machine; JESSE picks
it up] Huh, laserdisk. Don't see these very often, but I do have a
player in the projector room.
MURRAY: Cool!
JESSE: You bet. I'll go get this set
up in the projector room and meet you in the theater. Feel free to
grab drinks and stuff on the way in if you'd like.
[all depart for theater]
MURRAY: You're on, buddy!
BENTLEY: This could be interesting.
SLY: Well, we'll see.
[double doors open; seating arrangement
is, left to right, SLY, MURRAY, JESSE, and BENTLEY]
> From: mail@mail.com
JESSE: Oh yeah, nothing suspicious
there...
> Subject: From Suleiman Al. Abbas (Syria).
> Date: Tue, 4 Mar 2014 15:06:49 -0700
>
BENTLEY: That date's a little off...
JESSE: Well, it is an email spam, and
there's a bit of a time differential between universes...
> Hello Sir,
SLY: Hello...
MURRAY: Hello...
JESSE: Hello...
BENTLEY: Hello...
ALL: Hello!
>
> This letter might come to you as a surprise
JESSE: Not as much as you might think.
>but it is coming with the best of
intentions
BENTLEY: I highly doubt that.
>and will be of mutual benefit to
all parties involved.
JESSE: And we're not going to be
involved.
SLY: Well, not yet, anyway, and not in
the way the sender expects.
>I am Mr. Suleiman Al Abbas the
Petroleum and Mineral
>Resources Minister of Syria Arab
Republic.
MURRAY: Wow, a big shot!
>I know people all over the world is
against what president
>(Bashar al-Assad) is doing.
BENTLEY: Am they?
JESSE: Doctor Julian Bashir?
>I have talked with him in several
occasions and
>because of that he has threatened
to destroy my
>entire family because I never
supported his action
>from the day one.
MURRAY: What about the night one?
>
> Now i need to move my family out of Syria and
> Now i need to move my family out of Syria and
>I know your country is a place
where my family
>will be safe even if I could make
it out alive.
JESSE: Without them?
>Please i will beg of my manners
JESSE: Will ya now?
>because i won't be able to give you
full details
>now pending when you have accepted
my proposal.
BENTLEY: Why not?
JESSE: Probably doesn't have them yet.
>
> My proposal to you is to help me receive funds!
> My proposal to you is to help me receive funds!
SLY: OK, we're listening...
>The fund in question is a total of
$12, 200, 000, 00
>(Twelve Million Two Hundred
Thousand United
>States Dollars) in $100 bills
MURRAY: Wow, big numbers!
JESSE: Yeah, I suspect that's why these
are the ones that have survived...
>and stashed in one metallic box and
was shipped out
>of Syria through a diplomatic means
by a special diplomat.
JESSE: Oh, so a desperate person
looking to make some quick money, huh?
>
> The Diplomat
> The Diplomat
SLY: Nice name.
>will work according to our
instruction to move the cash box
>to you successfully, You will have
20% of these funds to
>yourself and the remaining 80%
should be invested in your
>country under your supervision.
BENTLEY: Yeah, because no one will
notice that at all!
>
> NOTE: There is no risk involved in this project, its 100%
> NOTE: There is no risk involved in this project, its 100%
>risk free without any liens or
encumbrances.
SLY: Oh yeah, of course.
>Please all i need is your trust to
manage the funds for my family
>pending our arrival.
JESSE: That, and a complete lack of
wits my part, of course...
>Please you should keep this
transaction
>a top secret as we are prepared to
do more business with you
>but your approach towards this
project will determined.
>
>
BENTLEY: Yes, because being impressed
with big numbers is good for them.
> Please write me through this email address (@yahoo.co.jp).
>
JESSE: That got clipped, fortunately.
> I await your urgent response.Thanks.
>
JESSE: I'll pass, I think.
SLY: But the three of us may have a
mission in order.
> Regards,
> Mr. Suleiman Al Abbas.
JESSE: I could use a little ABBA music
in my collection, I think.
[all exit theater, gather by concession
stand]
JESSE: I just don't get how the scams
like the one we just watched are the ones that survived the last ten
years and not the fake drug ones I was showing you guys last week.
BENTLEY: I think you and Murray were
probably onto something with the line about big numbers impressing
people.
SLY: That and the promise of easy
money.
JESSE: I suppose. Greed's a real
motivator, after all. I just got more of a kick out of the ones that
actually tried to sell me things, even if it was mostly crap, if
you'll excuse the language.
SLY: Don't worry about it. We use
plenty of it ourselves.
MURRAY: What happened to that one you
showed us, anyway?
JESSE: Couldn't transfer it from the
old computer. The Internet guy comes next Tuesday and every other
option I had was pretty much broken.
SLY: [sarcastic] Pity.
JESSE: Eh, no loss, really. At least
there's still the medicine show at the fair.
MURRAY: And he even admits he's an act.
JESSE: Indeed. But this next short's a
little closer to my wheelhouse, of sorts.
BENTLEY: You found a new fake drug
scam?
JESSE: Almost. Work-from-home scheme.
Let's have a look, shall we?
[All return to theater, take same
seats]
> From:
godstonesptylimited@ealerts.com
JESSE: Well, some kind of alerts,
anyway.
> Subject: Work From Home
BENTLEY: Oh, if only it were that easy.
> Date: Mon, 6 Jan 2014 18:32:46 +0530
>
> Attn:
JESSE: Mine's gonna be a bit
abbreviated.
MURRAY: Mine, too.
SLY: I think that goes for all of us.
> I am Patrick Botha, Manager GODSTONES PTY LTD.
JESSE: Of course you are.
>We have a reputation as a leading
brand in polished diamonds, gold, and precious stones.
BENTLEY: Probably more along the lines
of polished glass, brass, and random rocks from the roadside.
>We produce jewellery for export to
the USA, Canada, Europe, Middle East and Asia.
MURRAY: They sure have a nice big
market.
BENTLEY: Wherever there's a lot of
disposable income.
SLY: And not much for brains.
>The future is all about
consolidating our strengths and creating new markets through mutual
co->operation, knowledge and insight.
ALL:[singing] Can you visualize a
value-added experience that will grow the business infrastructure and
monetize our assets?
>We also have direct access to the
rough diamonds and gold that we supply to our range of clients.
MURRAY: How does that work?
>We handle huge volumes of stones
and
JESSE: ...our wide range of clients
love it...
SLY: Hey now...
>supply large manufacturers and
retailers.
>
>
MURRAY: With what?
> At present, we am facing serious difficulties with our American and Canadian customers, because
JESSE: ...most of them recognize that
we're just trying to get into their bank accounts because of our
grammar errors.
>they make payments for our supplies
in form of cheques which are not cashable outside the U.S. and
>Canada.
SLY: Well, at least some banks look out
for their customers, anyway.
>Please contact me urgently on the
possibility of you representing our company and assist us in
>processing payments from our American and Canadian clients.
>
>
BENTLEY: We'll pass, thanks.
JESSE: Yeah, we're not that desperate
or stupid, but I guess enough folks are.
> Note that {YOU WILL BE PAID 15% FOR EACH TRANSACTION. which will not affect your >present state of work.
[ALL react to the sudden volume and
picture distortion]
JESSE: Film flaw.
SLY: And it affected our present state
of viewing enjoyment.
BENTLEY: I'd say.
>All you will be doing is to receive
payments from our American or Canadian customers inform of a >money
order or traveller check,
JESSE: They're counting on my lack of
understanding of how those things work, aren't they?
SLY: Definitely.
>you will cash it and deduct 15%
then send the remaining 85% to our company.
MURRAY: Why?
JESSE: Because.
BENTLEY: Works for me.
>You should expect between $5000,
$10,000, $50,000.00 to $600,000.00 payments in each >transaction.
>
>
MURRAY: There's those big numbers
again.
BENTLEY: Something tells me that's all
they've got.
> Please let me know if you can represent us in this regard. Contact me urgently.
>
JESSE: Nope, can't do that. You'll rob
me blind.
> Thanks,
> Patrick Botha
> GODSTONES LTD (PTY) LTD.
JESSE: No thanks, Jesse Shearer, Warp
Power Studios.
[all exit theater, gather at concession
stand]
JESSE: Man, I've been out of this for
longer than I thought.
SLY: How so?
JESSE: Well, it seems like this used to
be a whole lot easier than this. Plus, I tried looking for proper
material to show, and even that seems really scarce nowadays.
BENTLEY: Well, times have changed. You
said so yourself, remember.
JESSE: Yeah, I suppose. [pause]
Anyway, I was kind of expecting my folks to drop by at some point.
BENTLEY: Oh? Why?
JESSE: Well, my dad said something
about making one of his famous carrot cakes and bringing it in for
you guys.
MURRAY: Wow! That sounds really good!
JESSE: That's what everybody who's
tried it says. I think the fresh, home grown carrots are what do it.
MURRAY: I'd say! Too bad it looks like
he's not coming.
SLY: Much as I'd like to try a piece
too, that may be for the best.
JESSE: I hear you there, man. They're
big cakes, and I'd probably wind up eating what was left myself, and
I really don't need that.
BENTLEY: None of us do.
SLY: You may have something there.
JESSE: I suppose I do. Anyway, I
suppose we'd better get on with the last of these.
SLY: Agreed.
[all return to the theater; take old
seats]
>From: info@lee.com
>
JESSE: Information about fake
fingernails?
>Subject: YOUR REF:CLAIMS/ATM/203
>Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2014 23:19:13 -0800
>
>Dear
Beneficiary:
>YOUR
REF:CLAIMS/ATM/203
>This
is to bring to your notice that because of the impossibility of your
transfering your funds >through Bank to Bank Transfer and Western
Union and Money-Gram network
JESSE:
I don't think those are in any cable pacages.
>and
also due to inablelity of some courire company to deliver your
consignment box, we
>have
credited your part-payment total of $10.5millon Usd
MURRAY:
Where's all the zeros?
JESSE:
That's supposed to be us.
>valid
fund into an (ATM Card Number 50622910222744519)
BENTLEY:
Yes, specifically one of those.
JESSE:
I suspect it may belong to one Mr. Clive Charlton.
SLY:
We'll keep that name in mind.
>and
I have paid the re-activation fee and the delivery of the ATM Card To
you,I paid it
>because
the ATM Card worth of $5,600,000.00
JESSE:
[Dr. Evil] Five meeleon dollars!
>which
I have registered it delivery yesterday, it has less than Seven days
to expire in the
>custody
of the UPS delivery Company and when it expires, the money will go
into Federal >Government treasury account.
JESSE:
Good place for it, really.
>With
that we decided to help you pay off the money so that the ATM Card
will not expire,
SLY:
That's generous of them.
[JESSE's
cell phone rings]
JESSE:
'Scuse me. [stands, goes to far end of seats] Hello?
>because
I trust that when you receive your ATM Card definitely you must pay
me back my
>money
and even compensate me for helping you.
BENTLEY:
Will we now?
SLY:
I'm thinking not.
JESSE:[on
phone] Wow, OK. That explains a few things.
>Now
I want you to contact UPS EXPRESS at:(upsdelivery@foxmail.com) With
your physical >address you desire the delivery to be made so that
they can deliver your ATM Card to your >designated address without
any delay.
SLY:
We'll pass on that, thanks.
MURRAY:
But we'll be on the way, too.
BENTLEY:
We'll just do what we always do.
JESSE:[on
phone] OK, I'll be there soon as I can. [hangs up]
>Recomfirm
this informations to them.
JESSE:
OK. Gonna have to cut this one short, guys. Turns out my dad's in
the hospital with a busted hip.
SLY:
That's OK, we've got what we need anyway.
[all
exit theater, gather at concessions stand]
JESSE:
Sorry about having to cut that last one short, guys, but I guess I've
got a family emergency.
SLY:
Well, hey, we've got enough for a few good missions anyway.
MURRAY:
It's too bad we didn't get to try that cake. It sounds really good.
JESSE:
Well, maybe next time. After all, you're very welcome here whenever
you're in the area.
SLY:
We'll keep you in mind, especially if Inspector Carmelita is here,
too.
BENTLEY:
Besides, I'd like to get a better look at your tech sometime.
SLY:
For now, though, we'd better get to work on catching some thieves.
JESSE:
It was nice meeting you. Maybe we can get together again sometime,
hopefully without the weirdness of this outing.
MURRAY:
Sounds good.
[SLY
and the gang depart. JESSE hears the digivice in his pocket beeping]
JESSE:
Aw crap...
End
Credits music: Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen as played on a century-oldfairground organ.
Credits:
Character
Voices:
JESSE:
Jesse Shearer (search JMShearer on mixlr, YouTube, or uStream for
samples)
SLY
Cooper: Kevin Miller
BENTLEY
Turtle: Matt Olsen
MURRAY
Hippopotamus: Chris Murphy
Carmelita
FOX: Ruth Livier
ODO:
Rene Auberjenois
Television,
Movies, and Video Games:
Sly
Cooper games and characters copyright Sucker Punch Games and Sanzaru
Games
Star
Trek Deep Space Nine copyright CBS Paramount
The
Lone Gunmen copyright 20th Century Fox
Austin
Powers copyright New Line Cinema
Mystery
Science Theater 3000 copyright Best Brains, Inc.
Digimon
copyright Bandai; Toei
The
Three Stooges copyright Columbia; C3 Entertainment
Music:
Mission
Statement by Weird Al Yankovic
Bohemian
Rhapsody by Queen
Original
emails copyright their authors.
No
infringement of copyrights is intended
Stinger:
>
Note that {YOU WILL BE PAID 15% FOR EACH TRANSACTION. which will not
affect your >present state of work.
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