Saturday, September 19, 2015

J. Michael Shearer's Theater: Spams of Weirdness

It's been awhile since I've had a post this big to make here.  I'm really not sure how well it'll work out, but here we are, I guess.

I'd intended to have this done before my birthday, but due to life going on an other things, that didn't quite work out as expected.  Plus, it kind of left me feeling like I needed to rush the ending, which explains why it's kind of messed up.

There are a couple relevant links towards the very end.  They're not terribly critical, but they will make the experience a little better, I hope.  The actual finished product is below the jump:


MiSTing: Spams Of Wierdness
From Suleiman Al. Abbas (Syria). Author: Unknown
Work From Home Author: Unknown
YOUR REF:CLAIMS/ATM/203 (partial) Author: Unknown
ERA: Nonstandard/none: J. Michael Shearer's Theater
Category: ad/spam
Original Author(s): unknown
MiSTing Author: Jesse Shearer

[Scene One opens on JESSE working at the desk in his theater's office. The desk is scattered with random things one might more expect to find on a home office desk (i.e. an empty water bottle, headphones, an assortment of pens and pencils, and the like) As he works, he picks up a mug and takes a sip of the contents, absent-mindedly looking at the desktop as he does, eventually noticing a strange device that he didn't remember being there previously.]

JESSE [setting mug down and picking up device]: The heck...? Is this a digivice? Don't remember having one of these, even when I was into the Digimon anime. [looks around on the desk; feels left pants pocket] Where's my phone? Coulda sworn I brought it with me... [pause] The land line's probably out of service by now... [pause] Hope I've got time to go talk to whomever's in the security office before Bentley and Murray show up.

[JESSE stands up and walks out of the office. Upon entering the lobby, he sees a yellow foxlike creature leaning against the snack counter.]

JESSE [surprised]: Oh, hello! It's been awhile, Renamon. Nice to see you again.

RENAMON [aproaching JESSE]: It sure has been. [kisses JESSE on the lips]

JESSE [surprised]: That's certainly a pleasant way of saying hello. Might I assume this means you're the one who came to watch infomercials with me a few times?

RENAMON: That's me. [knees JESSE in the groin, causing him to gasp in pain and collapse]

[Scene fades to an intro/title segment, with a few brief scenes from the “classic” JMST3K series under “Holy Shit It's A Dinosaur” by Dr. Dinosaur]

[Scene Two opens with JESSE becoming conscious in the security office as Inspector FOX dresses a wound on his forehead while ODO supervises.]

JESSE: [coming around, surprised] Gha! What hit me?

ODO: We were hoping you could tell us. When your “guests” found you, you were unconscious on the floor by the concession stand in your theater with a rather unusual device by your side.

JESSE: Kind of a rectangular-shaped thing with a screen and yellow trim and a little brass around the edges, and a nylon strap with a clip on one end?

ODO: That would be it. Is there anything else you remember from before you passed out?

JESSE: Well, I found that device on the desk in my office and was going to bring it here to ask you guys if you knew how it got there, just in case. It seems like there was somebody else there, but that's all I can remember about that. Must have hit my head on the counter on the way down or something.

FOX: That's how it looks. Since you don't seem to have any other obvious injuries, perhaps we should go back to the theater to look around. It might help you remember more. [gives JESSE room to stand up and move]

JESSE: [standing] Thanks. Good idea. [heads for the door] Might be a little slow to start off with here. Still a little sore in a few places.

FOX: [following] Yes, after a fall like that, I would think so.

ODO: [following] By the way, your new friends said they'd look around while they waited.

JESSE: [heading to theater]: Murray and Bentley are here already? [pause] I suppose they would be.

ODO: All three of them.

JESSE: Three of them? Did they find that guy they were looking for? That, uh, Sly Cooper, I think his name was?

FOX: That's the guy.

JESSE: I certainly hope I haven't kept them waiting too long. I'm rather looking forward to meeting this Cooper fellow. [approaching theater door] Ah, here we go. Let's see who's here, shall we? [opens door, enters; shouts] Hello? Anybody home?

MURRAY: [unseen] We're in the office!

JESSE: OK, we'll be right there! [to ODO and FOX] Let's see what the Lone Gunmen are up to, shall we?

FOX: Lead on.

[JESSE heads to the office, followed by his companions, to find MURRAY Hippopotamus, BENTLEY Turtle and SLY Cooper, a six-foot tall male raccoon, waiting, positioned as if they'd been discussing the situation]

JESSE: Hey, guys, thanks for coming. Sorry for keeping you waiting. Had an unexpected guest get the better of me. [to SLY] You must be Sly Cooper. [extends hand] Nice to meet you. Your friends seemed eager to find you last week.

SLY: [shaking JESSE's hand] Yeah, we only work as a team. And Bentley was right when he described you as looking like Murray with lots of hair. Nice to meet you, too, by the way.

JESSE: I suppose there is a resemblance. Any luck on finding our fourth guest, as it were?

BENTLEY: Not really. The only real clue was the device we found with you when we got here, and I can't make heads or tails of it.

JESSE: I never really could, either. It's something called a D-Arc. Kinda forgot I had it myself until I found it on the desk. Mind if I have a look at it? Might refresh my memory.

MURRAY: Here you go. [tosses device to JESSE]

ODO: So, what does this device of yours do, anyway?

JESSE: [catches device] I'm not really sure, exactly. I never really had a chance to try it myself. [fiddles with device] Looks like it might need batteries or something.

ODO: Just our luck. Our one lead, and it's got no power.

JESSE: I'm sure I've got some batteries around here someplace. But we'll figure that out later. I promised my guests here some infomercials. You and the Inspector are free to join us if you'd like.

FOX: We're still on duty, but thanks for the offer.

ODO: We'll be back later, though, and maybe with more information.

JESSE: Well, then, I'll let you get back to work. Thanks for coming by.

[FOX and ODO depart]

JESSE: Anyway, I suspect you three have other things to do before long, so what say we get down to business?

SLY: Well, there's no rush since we're sort of between missions right now, but the sooner we get back to work the better, I suppose.

BENTLEY: Our funds are beginning to run a little low, after all.

JESSE: In that case, I may be able to help you at least find a mission or two with today's items.

SLY: Oh? How do you figure?

JESSE: Two of them are from bank scammers, which might be right up your alley, since you only target other thieves, if I understand your style correctly.

BENTLEY: You've got us figured out, alright.

MURRAY: You make it sound like you've got more than two films for us, though.

JESSE: Yeah, three, actually. The third's a work-from-home scheme that'll be taking the place of the almost-drugs thing I showed you last time. But anyway, just for the sake of convenience and to make sure everything still worked, I've got the first two set up, since they came out as reel-to-reel movies.

SLY: Good move. That does make things a little easier.

BENTLEY: I had hoped to see this converter of yours in action after hearing you talk about it before.

JESSE: I remember, and I did save the last of the three to demonstrate with. [takes a beat-up red file folder from the desk and removes a single printed page] This is the second of the bank scams here. I doubt this'll be longer than five minutes, so I'm expecting either another film reel or a VHS cassette. Just insert the article here... [feeds page into slot nearest desk; machine buzzes and whirs for about a minute] ...and wait for the playable media to come out the other end. [a bell rings as something slides into one of the trays on the side of the machine; JESSE picks it up] Huh, laserdisk. Don't see these very often, but I do have a player in the projector room.


JESSE: You bet. I'll go get this set up in the projector room and meet you in the theater. Feel free to grab drinks and stuff on the way in if you'd like.

[all depart for theater]

MURRAY: You're on, buddy!

BENTLEY: This could be interesting.

SLY: Well, we'll see.

[double doors open; seating arrangement is, left to right, SLY, MURRAY, JESSE, and BENTLEY]

> From:

JESSE: Oh yeah, nothing suspicious there...

> Subject: From Suleiman Al. Abbas (Syria).
> Date: Tue, 4 Mar 2014 15:06:49 -0700

BENTLEY: That date's a little off...
JESSE: Well, it is an email spam, and there's a bit of a time differential between universes...

> Hello Sir,

SLY: Hello...
MURRAY: Hello...
JESSE: Hello...
BENTLEY: Hello...
ALL: Hello!

> This letter might come to you as a surprise

JESSE: Not as much as you might think.

>but it is coming with the best of intentions

BENTLEY: I highly doubt that.

>and will be of mutual benefit to all parties involved.

JESSE: And we're not going to be involved.
SLY: Well, not yet, anyway, and not in the way the sender expects.

>I am Mr. Suleiman Al Abbas the Petroleum and Mineral
>Resources Minister of Syria Arab Republic.

MURRAY: Wow, a big shot!

>I know people all over the world is against what president
>(Bashar al-Assad) is doing.

BENTLEY: Am they?
JESSE: Doctor Julian Bashir?

>I have talked with him in several occasions and
>because of that he has threatened to destroy my
>entire family because I never supported his action
>from the day one.

MURRAY: What about the night one?

> Now i need to move my family out of Syria and
>I know your country is a place where my family
>will be safe even if I could make it out alive.

JESSE: Without them?

>Please i will beg of my manners

JESSE: Will ya now?

>because i won't be able to give you full details
>now pending when you have accepted my proposal.

BENTLEY: Why not?
JESSE: Probably doesn't have them yet.

> My proposal to you is to help me receive funds!

SLY: OK, we're listening...

>The fund in question is a total of $12, 200, 000, 00
>(Twelve Million Two Hundred Thousand United
>States Dollars) in $100 bills

MURRAY: Wow, big numbers!
JESSE: Yeah, I suspect that's why these are the ones that have survived...

>and stashed in one metallic box and was shipped out
>of Syria through a diplomatic means by a special diplomat.

JESSE: Oh, so a desperate person looking to make some quick money, huh?

> The Diplomat

SLY: Nice name.

>will work according to our instruction to move the cash box
>to you successfully, You will have 20% of these funds to
>yourself and the remaining 80% should be invested in your
>country under your supervision.

BENTLEY: Yeah, because no one will notice that at all!

> NOTE: There is no risk involved in this project, its 100%
>risk free without any liens or encumbrances.

SLY: Oh yeah, of course.

>Please all i need is your trust to manage the funds for my family
>pending our arrival.

JESSE: That, and a complete lack of wits my part, of course...

>Please you should keep this transaction
>a top secret as we are prepared to do more business with you
>but your approach towards this project will determined.

BENTLEY: Yes, because being impressed with big numbers is good for them.

> Please write me through this email address (

JESSE: That got clipped, fortunately.

> I await your urgent response.Thanks.

JESSE: I'll pass, I think.
SLY: But the three of us may have a mission in order.

> Regards,
> Mr. Suleiman Al Abbas.

JESSE: I could use a little ABBA music in my collection, I think.
[all exit theater, gather by concession stand]

JESSE: I just don't get how the scams like the one we just watched are the ones that survived the last ten years and not the fake drug ones I was showing you guys last week.

BENTLEY: I think you and Murray were probably onto something with the line about big numbers impressing people.

SLY: That and the promise of easy money.

JESSE: I suppose. Greed's a real motivator, after all. I just got more of a kick out of the ones that actually tried to sell me things, even if it was mostly crap, if you'll excuse the language.

SLY: Don't worry about it. We use plenty of it ourselves.

MURRAY: What happened to that one you showed us, anyway?

JESSE: Couldn't transfer it from the old computer. The Internet guy comes next Tuesday and every other option I had was pretty much broken.

SLY: [sarcastic] Pity.

JESSE: Eh, no loss, really. At least there's still the medicine show at the fair.

MURRAY: And he even admits he's an act.

JESSE: Indeed. But this next short's a little closer to my wheelhouse, of sorts.

BENTLEY: You found a new fake drug scam?

JESSE: Almost. Work-from-home scheme. Let's have a look, shall we?
[All return to theater, take same seats]

> From:

JESSE: Well, some kind of alerts, anyway.

> Subject: Work From Home

BENTLEY: Oh, if only it were that easy.

> Date: Mon, 6 Jan 2014 18:32:46 +0530
> Attn:

JESSE: Mine's gonna be a bit abbreviated.
MURRAY: Mine, too.
SLY: I think that goes for all of us.

> I am Patrick Botha, Manager GODSTONES PTY LTD.

JESSE: Of course you are.

>We have a reputation as a leading brand in polished diamonds, gold, and precious stones.

BENTLEY: Probably more along the lines of polished glass, brass, and random rocks from the roadside.

>We produce jewellery for export to the USA, Canada, Europe, Middle East and Asia.

MURRAY: They sure have a nice big market.
BENTLEY: Wherever there's a lot of disposable income.
SLY: And not much for brains.

>The future is all about consolidating our strengths and creating new markets through mutual co->operation, knowledge and insight.

ALL:[singing] Can you visualize a value-added experience that will grow the business infrastructure and monetize our assets?

>We also have direct access to the rough diamonds and gold that we supply to our range of clients.

MURRAY: How does that work?

>We handle huge volumes of stones and

JESSE: ...our wide range of clients love it...
SLY: Hey now...

>supply large manufacturers and retailers.

MURRAY: With what?

> At present, we am facing serious difficulties with our American and Canadian customers, because

JESSE: ...most of them recognize that we're just trying to get into their bank accounts because of our grammar errors.

>they make payments for our supplies in form of cheques which are not cashable outside the U.S. and >Canada.

SLY: Well, at least some banks look out for their customers, anyway.

>Please contact me urgently on the possibility of you representing our company and assist us in >processing payments from our American and Canadian clients.

BENTLEY: We'll pass, thanks.
JESSE: Yeah, we're not that desperate or stupid, but I guess enough folks are.

> Note that {YOU WILL BE PAID 15% FOR EACH TRANSACTION. which will not affect your >present state of work.

[ALL react to the sudden volume and picture distortion]
JESSE: Film flaw.
SLY: And it affected our present state of viewing enjoyment.
BENTLEY: I'd say.

>All you will be doing is to receive payments from our American or Canadian customers inform of a >money order or traveller check,

JESSE: They're counting on my lack of understanding of how those things work, aren't they?
SLY: Definitely.

>you will cash it and deduct 15% then send the remaining 85% to our company.

JESSE: Because.
BENTLEY: Works for me.

>You should expect between $5000, $10,000, $50,000.00 to $600,000.00 payments in each >transaction.

MURRAY: There's those big numbers again.
BENTLEY: Something tells me that's all they've got.

> Please let me know if you can represent us in this regard. Contact me urgently.

JESSE: Nope, can't do that. You'll rob me blind.

> Thanks,
> Patrick Botha

JESSE: No thanks, Jesse Shearer, Warp Power Studios.

[all exit theater, gather at concession stand]

JESSE: Man, I've been out of this for longer than I thought.

SLY: How so?

JESSE: Well, it seems like this used to be a whole lot easier than this. Plus, I tried looking for proper material to show, and even that seems really scarce nowadays.

BENTLEY: Well, times have changed. You said so yourself, remember.

JESSE: Yeah, I suppose. [pause] Anyway, I was kind of expecting my folks to drop by at some point.


JESSE: Well, my dad said something about making one of his famous carrot cakes and bringing it in for you guys.

MURRAY: Wow! That sounds really good!

JESSE: That's what everybody who's tried it says. I think the fresh, home grown carrots are what do it.

MURRAY: I'd say! Too bad it looks like he's not coming.

SLY: Much as I'd like to try a piece too, that may be for the best.

JESSE: I hear you there, man. They're big cakes, and I'd probably wind up eating what was left myself, and I really don't need that.

BENTLEY: None of us do.

SLY: You may have something there.

JESSE: I suppose I do. Anyway, I suppose we'd better get on with the last of these.

SLY: Agreed.

[all return to the theater; take old seats]

JESSE: Information about fake fingernails?

>Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2014 23:19:13 -0800
>Dear Beneficiary:
>This is to bring to your notice that because of the impossibility of your transfering your funds >through Bank to Bank Transfer and Western Union and Money-Gram network

JESSE: I don't think those are in any cable pacages.

>and also due to inablelity of some courire company to deliver your consignment box, we
>have credited your part-payment total of $10.5millon Usd

MURRAY: Where's all the zeros?
JESSE: That's supposed to be us.

>valid fund into an (ATM Card Number 50622910222744519)

BENTLEY: Yes, specifically one of those.
JESSE: I suspect it may belong to one Mr. Clive Charlton.
SLY: We'll keep that name in mind.

>and I have paid the re-activation fee and the delivery of the ATM Card To you,I paid it
>because the ATM Card worth of $5,600,000.00

JESSE: [Dr. Evil] Five meeleon dollars!

>which I have registered it delivery yesterday, it has less than Seven days to expire in the
>custody of the UPS delivery Company and when it expires, the money will go into Federal >Government treasury account.

JESSE: Good place for it, really.

>With that we decided to help you pay off the money so that the ATM Card will not expire,

SLY: That's generous of them.
[JESSE's cell phone rings]
JESSE: 'Scuse me. [stands, goes to far end of seats] Hello?

>because I trust that when you receive your ATM Card definitely you must pay me back my
>money and even compensate me for helping you.

BENTLEY: Will we now?
SLY: I'm thinking not.
JESSE:[on phone] Wow, OK. That explains a few things.

>Now I want you to contact UPS EXPRESS at:( With your physical >address you desire the delivery to be made so that they can deliver your ATM Card to your >designated address without any delay.

SLY: We'll pass on that, thanks.
MURRAY: But we'll be on the way, too.
BENTLEY: We'll just do what we always do.
JESSE:[on phone] OK, I'll be there soon as I can. [hangs up]

>Recomfirm this informations to them.

JESSE: OK. Gonna have to cut this one short, guys. Turns out my dad's in the hospital with a busted hip.

SLY: That's OK, we've got what we need anyway.

[all exit theater, gather at concessions stand]

JESSE: Sorry about having to cut that last one short, guys, but I guess I've got a family emergency.

SLY: Well, hey, we've got enough for a few good missions anyway.

MURRAY: It's too bad we didn't get to try that cake. It sounds really good.

JESSE: Well, maybe next time. After all, you're very welcome here whenever you're in the area.

SLY: We'll keep you in mind, especially if Inspector Carmelita is here, too.

BENTLEY: Besides, I'd like to get a better look at your tech sometime.

SLY: For now, though, we'd better get to work on catching some thieves.

JESSE: It was nice meeting you. Maybe we can get together again sometime, hopefully without the weirdness of this outing.

MURRAY: Sounds good.

[SLY and the gang depart. JESSE hears the digivice in his pocket beeping]

JESSE: Aw crap...


Character Voices:
JESSE: Jesse Shearer (search JMShearer on mixlr, YouTube, or uStream for samples)
SLY Cooper: Kevin Miller
BENTLEY Turtle: Matt Olsen
MURRAY Hippopotamus: Chris Murphy
Carmelita FOX: Ruth Livier
ODO: Rene Auberjenois

Television, Movies, and Video Games:
Sly Cooper games and characters copyright Sucker Punch Games and Sanzaru Games
Star Trek Deep Space Nine copyright CBS Paramount
The Lone Gunmen copyright 20th Century Fox
Austin Powers copyright New Line Cinema
Mystery Science Theater 3000 copyright Best Brains, Inc.
Digimon copyright Bandai; Toei
The Three Stooges copyright Columbia; C3 Entertainment

Mission Statement by Weird Al Yankovic
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen

Original emails copyright their authors.

No infringement of copyrights is intended


> Note that {YOU WILL BE PAID 15% FOR EACH TRANSACTION. which will not affect your >present state of work.

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