Sunday, July 19, 2015

In A Bad Place Right Now

Needless to say, most of my side projects are going to be on hold for awhile, at least.

There are a few things I’m probably done with, at least for now, if not for good.  Some things, I’ll get back to at some point, maybe.  It’s going to take at least a little while to figure out what’s what, exactly, but it’s coming, in part because it has been for a while now.

Why all this, you ask?  Well, on the way home from work today, I was in a car crash, and a rather nasty one at that.  Worse yet, it’s pretty much my fault because I rear-ended somebody.  Took my eyes off the road for just a second, and bam, next thing I know, I’ve got a face full of airbag and a car that won’t move.

Now, as to how much damage was done, I’m not entirely sure, but like I said, it did set off the airbags, so I’m sure it won’t be a cheap fix, even if it’s not a lot of other damage.  The hood and the radiator are messed up, and I’m sure the rest of the front end’s in kind of bad shape now, too.

How much it’s going to cost me, I’m not exactly sure just yet.  The car’s at the dealership, but since this happened after 5 PM on a Sunday, the place was closed.  If I haven’t heard from them by the time I get off work tomorrow, I’m probably going to have to give them a call to see what the damage is and how much they think it might cost me.

And this is why I’m in kind of a bad place tonight.  I’m far from being what one might call a rich guy.  In fact, I was pretty much broke before this happened.  That’s in part because I’ve never had what one might call aspirations of wealth.  My view of such things has been that I’d find things I like doing and try to find people willing to pay me for that.  One thing I do quite enjoy doing is cooking.  I’m sure there are better ways of getting paid for that than the one I’ve been at for quite a while now, but until recently, it’s worked out alright for me.

Another thing I get a good deal of pleasure out of is writing, especially things like this.  Finding ways of getting paid for this haven’t worked out quite as well as I’d hoped, but that’s more my fault than anything.  There are fewer things that I have done to that end than I have not done.

With all that in mind, this is one of those nights where there’s a big part of me that would really rather just not wake up tomorrow morning, just to be done with all of this.

Now, does that mean I’m suicidal or want to die or something?   No, I don’t really think so.  I hope not, that’s for sure.  There’s still too much I want to do with my life, man.  It’s just that right now, there are one hell of a lot of people out there who want money from me, and it seems like that money is beyond my reach.

I know that I need to get more work than what I’ve got.  The biggest thing holding me back, in a lot of cases, is not that there’s a lack of available jobs.  There are plenty of those.  It’s more that a lot of them are asking for what they’re calling “professional references”.  Gotta say, I’m not entirely sure what those are or who I could use for them, especially since one said something about not using relatives, which makes sense, or friends, which also makes some sense.

I do have a few candidates I could turn to, naturally.  Thing is, though, and with respect to my supervisors and coworkers at my current job, because they’re all I’ve got right now, I’d kind of like to have at least one who’s not from the place I’ve worked for the last 15 years, and I’m not really sure where else to turn for that.

So, with all that in mind, I hope it’s understandable why there’s a significant part of me that would rather not see tomorrow come.  Don’t worry, though.  I’m not going to try to end it all or anything.  There’s too much else I’d like to get taken care of first, like finishing off at least one of the Text Plays I’ve got going on right now.  Or posting that CD-R of lame art to DeviantArt.  Just to name a few, of course.

But good lord, what must I do to get myself out from under this stress, anyway…?

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