I've had several drafts of a post like
this around at one time or another, and now I'm finally getting
around to doing something with one.
The thing that has in the past, and
probably will in the future, inspired me to write such drafts is that
I often feel as though I can barely take more than three steps at a
time without tripping over somebody when I'm around people. This is
hardly to say that I don't like and/or think I don't need people
around. That's hardly the case. I like people more than it may
seem, and I know very well that I need them.
It's just that my life, of late, has
had me interacting with people in some way, shape, or form virtually
every moment I'm awake, which is quite a long time some days. In
recent weeks, I've felt very overwhelmed by it all, and it's affected
me in ways I don't like.
A lot of that comes from the fact that
it seems like I'm most surrounded when the sun's out. I know it's
mostly because that's when everybody's out and about. Humans are
what's called diurnal, after all. It's just that those same hours
are when I feel as though I'm being helped to the point of being
effectively useless in my own life, too incompetent to do anything by
myself. It gets very frustrating very quickly to say the least, and
I do not hide frustration very well at all, I'm afraid.
But then I'll have days like yesterday when
I really am left to my own devices, for the most part, for most of
the day. Somehow, in the span of a little more than twelve hours,
I'd managed to do most of the things I'd been wanting to get done
for a long time. There was really only one thing left that I want to
get done, and I wasn't sure how quickly I want to get that done,
because even then, I was kind of at a loss for what else to do after
that.
The real pisser to all of this is that
it causes something of a conundrum here, too. See, as much as people
may tell me I need a girlfriend, and as right as they may be about
it, it's something I'm very hesitant to do that. The reasons are
twofold.
One is that most of the time I feel
like I'd be giving up that one last part of my life where I still
have some margin of freedom and independence. It's the idea that
I'll spend all day with family and/or at work, only to come home and
have a girlfriend or significant other to spend time doing things
with, leaving me with less time than I have now to do the other
things that are important to me as an individual.
The other is that I worry that if I
bring someone else into my life like that, she'll wind up feeling set
upon the same way I do, with little or no time for us even as a
couple, let alone as individuals. It doesn't seem right to me to
have a person in your life to whom you say “I love you. That's why
I'm asking you to submit to being beset by people who seem to think
we're toys.”
Now, after having put all that down in
writing, it really does occur to me that yes, I'm a lonely, broken
man. Do I need a change? Well, no not necessarily. After all, it
all comes down to what I make of who and what I am and am not. I'd
like to think I'm making good things of that. I'd also like to think
that there are people out there who agree with me.
Will this negate the need for other
posts like this? Well no, because I don't see my life changing that
significantly any time soon. I'm confident enough in myself to think
that there's a good chance that I'll pull it off eventually. I'm
just not sure when that might be.
Why? Well, as the series title
suggests, Life's Funny Like That sometimes.
As I'm sure I'll say a few more times
before the year's out, happy holidays and Merry Christmas, everyone.
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