Here's the third and final part of this thing. I remember having a good time writing this originally, to the point that I even did an "episode guide" sort of thing for it. I'll be posting that after a while, too. But now that this is pretty much said and done with, I'm pretty much out of history that can't wait until the next thing that comes up, so without any further delay, here's part three.
==========================================================
[All enter theater in same order as before]
JESSE: Fred's not always like that, I hope.
POLLY: Oh, let's just watch the movie.
>1:15PM
>
>NARRIATOR: Our three shoppers got back late becasue it was taking Speedy
>forever.
SPEEDY: I wonder why?
> He had just dropped off Lucieal's bags and as soon as he walked through
>the door of the pizza shop, he dropped Polly's bags on the floor and collapased.
>
JESSE: Must have been one too many bags of bricks in that load.
>FRANCINE: What took you guys so long?
>
>POLLY: Speedy here was taking forever to carry or shopping bags. (she looked
>down at Speedy's body laying on the floor) Poor kid. I guess 50 bags was too
>heavy for him.
>
POLLY:[giggles]
>SPEEDY: Are you ever right.
>
SPEEDY: Those bags of rocks get heavy after the first five miles.
>FRANCINE: Come on you two! We are getting really packed right now. (Polly was
>going up to the cash register to take her place but Guido was there)
>
>GUIDO: Remeber? My foot was bothering me this mourning and we traded places.
>(she stepped on his foot)
>
JESSE:[blows up paper bag and pops it]
>POLLY: Now it is! (Guido started hopping around and she took her place behind
>the register) Now darling. What are you supposed to do?
>
>GUIDO:
GUIDO:[story self] Get some ice for my foot.
Wait on tables my little brownie. (he hopped over to a table)
>
>POLLY: Why did we ever make that bet Fran? Calling each other these cute little
>mushy nicknames is disgusting.
LUCILLE: I'm rather enjoying it.
>
>FRANCINE: Hey! It wasn't my idea for the three of you to go off in the middle of
>the night and play poker against some stranger.
>
>POLLY: That stranger was Lucieal.
LUCILLE: I knew there was a reason I'm enjoying it.
> She and Speedy were one team, >Guido and I were another team. (Guido came up)
>
>GUIDO: As much as I hate to interupt this little gossip time but remeber? You
>have coustomers lining up.
>
>FRANCINE: Oh god!
JESSE: Yes?
> I forgot! (she and Polly started to work again.
>
JESSE: Well, I know where *I'm* going for lunch from now on.
>3:00PM
>
>NARRIATOR: Bussiness was starting to slow down again and wouldn't pick up till
>dinner time at 5. Speedy went out to check the mail.
>
>SPEEDY: This is probably more fan mail for Polly. (he took out a big stack of
>mail)
LUCILLE: And further injured his spine.
>
>3:03PM
>
>NARRIATOR: 3 minutes passed and Speedy took the mail inside and started to go
>through it. The four of them each had their own little box where their mail
>went.
POLLY: So that's what's been happening to all my mail.
>
>SPEEDY: Hmmmm...5 letters for Polly, 1 for Fran, 10 for Guido, another 15 for
>Polly, 12 more for Fran, and I can't believe it! One letter for me! (Polly was
>watching him)
JESSE: She was getting really turned on.
[LUCILLE elbows JESSE in the ribs again]
JESSE: Sorry.
>
>POLLY: I can't believe it! For the first time since this whole show started you
>actually got some mail! Hey guys come see this! (they rushed in)
>
>GUIDO: What is it my little butter cup? Boy! The writer needs to get a life. Boy
>are these nicknames stupid.
LUCILLE: Let's see you do better!
POLLY: Yeah!
>
>SPEEDY: I got a letter!
>
>FRANCINE: Open it!
>
SPEEDY:[story self] Make me!
>POLLY AND GUIDO: It is probably junk mail. (Francine turned around and faced
>them)
>
>FRANCINE: Will you two shut up!
POLLY and GUIDO: No?
>
>SPEEDY: Hey! I won the contest that I entered at the mall!
>
>FRANCINE: What did ya win?
>
GUIDO:[Francine] How much can we sell it for?
>SPEEDY: A dinner for two at a romantic resturaunt! (Polly grabbed the letter
>from his hand)
>
>POLLY: Wow! You really did win it! So, who are you taking to dinner tonight?
>
>SPEEDY: I don't know. I didn't think about that.
JESSE:[Speedy] Hey, Guido!
[SPEEDY elbows JESSE in the ribs]
JESSE: Ow! Don't you start, too, buddy!
> (Guido snatched it from Polly)
>
>GUIDO: Boy! Aren't you lucky! I wish I had won this! (Speedy snatched it back
>from him)
LUCILLE: By this time it was ripped to shreds.
>
>SPEEDY: Too bad! It is mine!
>
>FRANCINE: So tell us! Who are you taking?
>
>POLLY AND GUIDO: Yea! Tell us!
ALL BUT SPEEDY:[chanting] Tell them... Tell them... Tell them...
SPEEDY: Stop that!
>
>SPEEDY: Well...one thing though. Will you two stop talking in unison!
>
>POLLY AND GUIDO: Sorry!
>
>FRANCINE: Ignore them. They are just doing it to get on your nerves.
>
>POLLY AND GUIDO: Whatever! (they looked at each other) Will you stop it?! I
>didn't start it you did! Will you cut this out!
>
>SPEEDY: This will take a while.
JESSE: I'm afraid it already has taken awhile.
> Anyway, I'm taking...(he whispered it into
>Fran's ear)
>
>FRANCINE:
JESSE:[Francine] Speedy! I didn't know you felt that way...
> Won't she be happy to hear that!
>
>4:00PM
>
>NARRIATOR: Polly and Guido were trying to stop talking in unison but it wasn't
>working. Boy! The writers are getting worse each day!
POLLY: Oh, this really isn't so bad.
>
>5:00PM
>
GUIDO: Four o'clock must have been another quick hour.
>NARRIATOR: Polly and Guido were still at it so Francine did what she should have
>done before!
>
JESSE: Get naked?
[LUCILLE smacks JESSE in the head]
JESSE: That smarts! But at least it was my head this time.
>FRANCINE: Shut up! Boy are you guys getting on my nerves! Get out of here now
>and don't come back till you stop talking in unison!
>
>GUIDO AND POLLY: Sorry. (they looked at each other again) I thought I told you
>to stop it?!
>
>SPEEDY: Wait a second! Hey Polly! Are you free tonight?
>
>POLLY:
POLLY: [story self] That depends...
> Yes I am. Why?
>
>SPEEDY: How would you like to come with me out to dinner tonight?
>
>POLLY: I would like that. (Francine jumped in the air)
>
>FRANCINE: All right! They stopped talking in unison! You guys can stay after
>all! Thanks Speedy! (she gave him a quick hug)
>
JESSE: I am *so* jealous right now.
>SPEEDY: Hey. No problem.
>
>7:00PM
>
>NARRIATOR: The pizza shop closed just an half hour ago and our four favorite
>cats headed out for a night on the town.
>
>GUIDO: Gee honey. It was nice of you to invite us.
>
LUCILLE: Wow! It's a double date!
>POLLY: You think I would actually want to spend the evening alone with Speedy?
>You should know me better then that lov'. (Speedy's ears lowered)
>
GUIDO:[story self] That's why we're amazed that you invited us.
>FRANCINE: That was mean Polly. Espically in front of Speedy.
>
>POLLY: I'm sorry. (she walked up to Speedy and put her hand on his shoulder)
>Fran is right. That was really mean of me.
>
>SPEEDY: Huh? (he snapped out of his daze) Oh yea. Apology accepted. Our
>reservations are at 7:15. We better hurry.
>
>7:30PM
>
JESSE: Oops. You missed it.
>NARRIATOR: Boy is this resturaunt ever fancy. I mean how many resturaunts have
>dancing and is all lit up by candle light. Some slow music is playing in the
>background.
>
[Everyone picks up a musical instrument and begins playing the opening to "The Blue Danube" in a barely recognizable fashion. LUCILLE and JESSE have violins, SPEEDY has a trumpet, GUIDO a trombone, and POLLY a flute. Music stops after a few seconds.]
>GUIDO: Speedy? (he waved his hand in front of his face) Hello? Is anyone home in
>there?
>
>SPEEDY:
JESSE:[Speedy] No less than usual.
> Oh. Sorry. I was just thinking about something.
>
>FRANCINE: For 30 minutes?
>
>SPEEDY: Yea.
>
>POLLY: Gosh I hate fancy resturaunts, It makes ours look so..so...
>
>GUIDO: Small and boring?
>
GUIDO:[story self] By the way, Speedy, what were you thinking about that made us late?
>POLLY: Yea. Small and boring. Thanks sweety.
>
>FRANCINE: Come on. Our resturaunt isn't that bad. (she pulled out a calculator)
>We made over 1500 dollars more in profit this year then the past 2 years
>combined!
>
>SPEEDY: Thank you for that information. If that is so, why are we getting
>cheated on our pay?
>
>FRANCINE:
JESSE:[Francine] Hey, what I pay you is standard at the American places.
> Someone has to pay the writers.
>
>GUIDO: With writers like this one, they deserve to be taken out and be shot not
>payed. (he started to laugh)
>
>POLLY: That wasn't funny.
>
GUIDO: Yeah. This is a pretty good story.
>GUIDO: Huh? Since when did you like the writers tweety bird?
>
>POLLY: I don't. Shooting them is to small of a punishment. They deserved to be
>hit by my heart bombs and slain by my dagger. (there dinner arrived and Polly
>had ordered the stake)
>
JESSE: Oak or some other wood?
>SPEEDY: Yea. That would be great to see. (she took out her dagger, since they
>were in their fighting uniforms, and stabbed the steak)
>
GUIDO: Beef. It's what's for dinner.
>POLLY: Care for a demo? (Guido was cracking up big time)
>
JESSE: Another time, perhaps.
[LUCILLE smacks JESSE in the head again.]
JESSE: What? I was talking about the dagger!
>FRANCINE: No thanks. I want to enjoy this meal without watching you terroize
>your food. So childish. (Speedy was even laughing)
>
>POLLY: I'm kidding Fran. Hey! I cheered Speedy up so now do you think it is
>still childish? (she picked up her dagger and it wouldn't come out so she
>started waving it back and forth)
>
JESSE: Tic.
SPEEDY: Toc.
JESSE: Tic.
SPEEDY: Toc.
JESSE: Tic...
POLLY: Stop that. I am not a metronome.
>FRANCINE: Yes. What are you doing if you don't mind me asking? (they were all
>watching her with her dinner stuck to her dagger)
>
LUCILLE: Hey, Guido looks hypnotized!
>POLLY: Trying to get my dagger out of this darn stake! (the dagger came out but
>her dinner went flying and hit another coustomer in the head)Uh-oh.
>
JESSE:[picks up violin] Follow my lead, quicktime! [begins playing fast part of "Blue Danube". The others follow. The music stops when GUIDO's plate lands.]
>GUIDO: Nice job honey lamb. (he started cracking up again and his arm hit his
>dinner plate and his dinner went flying) Opps. (Francine shook her head in
>dissapointment and the manager walked up to them, Speedy was laughing too)
>
>MANAGER: I need to ask you guys to leave. You have caused a big commotion in
>here. (Guido, Polly, and Speedy were trying not to laugh but ended up laughing
>anyway)
>
>FRANCINE: I'm sorry about my friends. (she pulled out a 100 dollar bill)
LUCILLE:[leans over to JESSE] It was in her sleeve.
JESSE: Ah. OK.
> I hope
>that covers it even though this dinner was supoosed to be free.
>
POLLY: Well, for two, anyway.
>MANAGER: Just out of curiosity mam. How old are they?
>
>FRANCINE: 18 going on 3.
>
>MANAGER: Boy do they need dicapline. I know a good day care center.
>
>FRANCINE: I can't do that to them.
LUCILLE:[Francine] All the others threw them out. I'd rather not have another do the same. It's really embarassing when that happens.
> It just wouldn't be the same without them
>around.
>
>9:00PM
>
>NARRIATOR: Our favorite heros just got done getting yelled at by Francine for an
>hour and she finaly calmed down.
>
>FRANCINE: Gosh. You out of all people Polly.
>
>POLLY: I was just trying to cheer Speedy up. (she was still laughing a little
>bit)
>
JESSE: It seemed to work for everybody.
>GUIDO: Yea! I hit my plate by accident! I sware!
GUIDO: Hey! I have a Southern accent!
>
>SPEEDY: I'm tired you guys.
JESSE: As in "I'm tired *of* you guys", perhaps?
SPEEDY: No, I was just tired.
> I'm going to bed. You all should be doing the same
>thing.
>
>FRANCINE: We will continue disscusing this in the mourning. (she and Speedy
>headed towards their rooms)
>
>GUIDO: She means she will continue yelling at us all day tommorow.
>
>POLLY: Is that ever true.
JESSE: Is it?
GUIDO: It is.
> Well, goodnight surgar.
>
>GUIDO: Goodnight. Just between you and me, lets say we kill Speedy and Lucieal
>tommorow for ever making this bet with us.
POLLY and GUIDO: We kill Speedy and Lucille tomorrow for ever making this bet with us.
>
>POLLY: Sounds like a plan.
>
LUCILLE: Yes it does.
>Back to !
JESSE: Da-dah!
POLLY: Let's see what the royalty's up to.
SPEEDY: And his High Cheesiness, too!
[All exit theater through double doors]
[Lobby. JESSE is dressed as Emeril Lagasse. POLLY and LUCILLE have nice hostess outfits on. FRED, VIOLET and SEYMORE are seated at a table]
JESSE:[Emeril] Lovely salads, aren't they? I made them myself. It's all fresh, right down to the tomatoes.
POLLY: Our main course tonight is porterhouse steak, cooked to order, with baked potato and wild rice.
LUCILLE: We have Speedy and Guido working seperately on all three meals in case one of them messes up.
JESSE:[Emeril] And I'm doing an extra set in case *both* of them do it wrong.
[SPEEDY comes in screen left with a tray and sets it down on a folding tray stand]
SPEEDY: Dinner is served. Stakes with potato and rice.
JESSE:[Emeril; looks at plate. To SPEEDY.] These are tent stakes, my friend. Get these outta here and find these people some *real* food! [To "guests"] Sorry about that. There's why we have two other attempts on the way.[SPEEDY exits screen left.]
[GUIDO enters screen right with *his* tray of platters and a stand]
GUIDO: Here you are! Stakes with rice and potatoes.
JESSE:[Emeril; picks up a partly burned stake] What is this?
GUIDO: Char-boriled.
JESSE:[Emeril] What kind of wood?
GUIDO: Maple.
JESSE:[Emeril; smacks GUIDO on the head with the stake] Ah, get outta here, ya mook. And take this stuff with you. Oh, and if you see that buddy of yours, tell him I got this handled.[GUIDO exits stage right; JESSE goes left.]
LUCILLE: We're very sorry.
POLLY: Very sorry indeed.
[JESSE returns with a tray of steaming food for FRED, VIOLET and SEYMORE]
JESSE:[Emeril] Here you go, folks. The porterhouse steaks at last. Well done for His Majesty. [sets a plate down in front of FRED]
FRED: Fred Fred FRED!
JESSE:[Emeril] Medium-well for our lovely Princess Vi. [sets a plate down in front of VIOLET]
VIOLET: Now, here's a man with taste!
JESSE:[Emeril; to SEYMORE] And finally, you, sir. You wanted yours rare, correct?
SEYMORE: No! I would never order it like that!
JESSE:[Emeril] Yeah. Just kidding. Here you go. Medium, just like you asked. [sets last plate down]
SEYMORE: Thank you.
VIOLET: This is really good. Thank you, kind sir!
JESSE:[Emeril] Not a problem! [Steps around table to be in the center of the shot] Well, that wraps things up here. And because we had so much chaos here, I'll be taking my guests to the Starlight Rainbow Arcade and Malt Shop for dessert, on me! We'll see you later, everybody! [points out to audience]
[cut to malt shop dance floor with GUIDO on a karoke machine at one end, apparently getting ready to sing. His song is "Ooby Dooby" as perfromed by Roy Orbison]
{{CREDITS}}
[GUIDO singing "Ooby Dooby"]
Samurai Pizza Cats: "A Day in the Life of the Pizza Cats"
Written by Claudia Nimmich
"Produced by Tatsunoko Studios"
"Dubbed by Saban"
Voices:
Sonja Ball as POLLY
Susan Glover as LUCILLE
Rick Jones as SPEEDY
Pauline Little as FRANCINE
Terrence Seammell as GUIDO and NARRATOR
Short: New Wave Services
Specifics unknown
[POLLY and SPEEDY dacne to tune above]
COMMERCIALS
Gateway commercial with Ted Waitt and the cow copyright Gateway Computers, Inc.
SURVIVOR: AFRICA promotion copyright CBS Television.
ENTERPRIZE promotion copyright Paramout Television. (Great spinoff, guys! T'Pol rules!)
Windows XP copyright and trademark Microsoft
TELEVISION and BOOK references
Babylon Five copyright Warner Bros. Television Entertainment.
Star Trek copyright Paramount Television.
Emeril Lagasse's cooking programs copyright Mr. Lagasse and Food Network.
LEXX characters (Stanley Tweedle) copyright Sci-Fi Channel.
Beavis and Butthead copyright MTV. (And MTV can have `em, too.)
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and characters copyright Best Brains, Inc. and Sci-Fi Network.
Samurai Pizza Cats copyright Tatsunoko Studios and Saban.
The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster
[JESSE dances with LUCILLE and VIOLET]
MUSIC
The music of Brave Combo produced and performed by Brave Combo.
"Mr. White Keys" performed by Cherry Popin' Daddies
"The Blue Danube" composed by Johann Strauss
"Ooby Dooby" performed by Roy Orbison
“Who Let the Dogs Out” by Baha Men(?)
{J. Michael Shearer's Theater} Credits
"J. Michael Shearer's Theater" not specifically copyrighted, but Jesse Shearer wants it anyway.
Mystery Science Theater concept by Best Brains, Incorporated.
Samurai Pizza Cats copyright Tatsunoko Studios and Saban.
Voices for JMST:
Jesse Shearer as JESSE (himself)
Sonja Ball as POLLY
Susan Glover as LUCILLE and VIOLET
Dean Hagopian as SEYMORE
Rick Jones as SPEEDY
and Terrence Seammell as GUIDO and FRED
[Dance floor shown from above]
Special Thanks:
Claudia Nimmich for allowing me to MiST this story and also for generously offering to host this MiSTing on her site. Web page at www.edoropolis.org/spcpolly/
Web Site Number Nine at www.masemware.com/mst3k and Dr. Michael Neylon for archiving MiSTings from all over the Internet.
[Final chords of song. LUCILLE hugs JESSE, who gets a goofy look on his face]
email contact
Jesse Shearer’s address: ambasosor_lardo@hotmail.com
Stringer:
>POLLY: Trying to get my dagger out of this darn stake! (the dagger came out but
>her dinner went flying and hit another coustomer in the head)Uh-oh.
>
>GUIDO: Nice job honey lamb. (he started cracking up again and his arm hit his
>dinner plate and his dinner went flying) Opps. (Francine shook her head in
>dissapointment and the manager walked up to them, Speedy was laughing too)
>
>MANAGER: I need to ask you guys to leave. You have caused a big commotion in
>here. (Guido, Polly, and Speedy were trying not to laugh but ended up laughing
>anyway)
=======================================================
So anyway, there you have it. At the time, YouTube wasn't what it is today, so I couldn't have put links to the music in. For the sake of historical accuracy, that will be preserved.
From here, it'll be the episode guide and the next issue of the Text Play, though not necessarily in that order. See you soon folks!
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