From the Old Floppies: Issue #04: MiSTing of "A Day In The Life Of The Pizza Cats", Part 1 of 3

What we've got here is one of the Mystery Science Theater-style fan fictions I wrote back about eight or ten years ago now.  By the time I did this one, by an author named Claudia Nimmich, I'd been doing my "self-insertion" series, where I used myself as the main character making fun of the movies, junk emails, and fan fiction typically used in this sort of thing instead of the TV show cast, for a while.  The first few I did, including the one "for reelz" movie I ever did one of these for, were supposed to be "live action", where the actual living, breathing, human me who's typing this, albeit in an alternate reality, was actually sitting down in an actual movie theater purchased and renovated specifically for the purpose of making fun of these things and doing exactly that.

This "Day in the Life" story was the first one where I had switched the setting to what would become the standard model for what would become the rest of the series, with a few exceptions.  As stated in the intro dialog, the switch happened magically one day when my character plugged in an arcade game in an attempt to get people to come visit the theater and watch things with him.  Conveniently, it worked.

Regarding other style notes, at the top of the piece will be the headers used for classification on Web Site Number Nine, which was, for several years, the premier archive for fan MiSTings, until its closure in 2002 or 2003, I can't remember which off the top of my head. (Here's an article I wrote on the subject at That Guy With The Glasses in 2010.)  At the end, there's a "credits sequence" mentioning the references I was trying to make and who I thought they were copyright to, but that's a post or two out.

This particular entry item is more than a little on the long side, being 34 pages long.  Therefore, I'll be dividing it up and posting it in parts over the next few nights.  So, here's tonight's installment: Part one of Day In The Life Of The Life Of The Pizza Cats", featuring the short, a junk email called "New Wave Services".  This is just the short.

================================================================

Title: The Day in the Life of a Pizza Cat
Original Author: Claudia Nimmich
Short: New Wave Services
Original Author: Unknown
MiSTing Author: Jesse Shearer
Era: Nonstandard

[Scene opens to animated version of set from "Horkfest" {ie. an old-looking movie theater}.  JESSE is standing near a claw game.]

JESSE: Well, folks, thought I'd give this thing another shot to see what would happen.  I also rented a few arcade games to put in here to see if I could attract a few other folks to come on in and join the fun.  Anyway, this claw game over here came first.  Everything seemed normal when I took it out of the box and moved it over by the electric outlet.  Then I plugged the thing in and this whole "Phantom Tollboth" thing started up on me.  Not really sure what'll happen next...

[Samuri Pizza Cats Speedy Service and Guido Anchovi run in and take cover behind concession stand.]

JESSE: Ah, OK.  I'm gonna check this out.  Let's take a one-minute break, OK?

[Commercial: Gateway Computers founder Ted Waitt talks to his cow in the attic]

[Back to animated theater scene.  Speedy and Guido have been coaxed out into the open.]

JESSE: Well.  It turns out these two fellas are the male leads from some old Saban-style anime show called "Samuri Pizza Cats" that aired through the Fox network a few years back. [looks over at guests] So, why not tell us who you are and why you're here?
SPEEDY: I'm Speedy Service, pronounced "sir-vee-chay", leader of the Samuri Pizza Cats.
GUIDO: And I'm Guido Anchovi, the super-sexy sidekick.
JESSE: Nice to meet you both. [Shakes hands] And why are you here?
SPEEDY: Our friends Polly and Lucille are upset at us again.
GUIDO: They threatened to beat us up unless we went shopping with them today.  Can we hide here for awhile?
SPEEDY: Yeah, can we?  Can we?  Huh?
JESSE: Well, about how long will it take for them to give up the search?
SPEEDY: They'll never completely give up, but they'll go back to primarily shopping in about ten minutes.
JESSE: Ah.  OK.  I have the perfect short that should throw them off your trail.  It's an infomercial called "New Wave Services."  Grab a few snacks from behind the counter there and meet me in the theater.

[Double doors open; JESSE, SPEEDY and GUIDO enter and sit in same order.]

SPEEDY: Who ever would have thought that learning things would save us?
GUIDO: Yeah.

>Subj: New Wave Services

SPEEDY: I *am* pretty new wave, at that...
JESSE: I think that's actually pronouced the way its spelled, as in computer repair.

>Date: 10/9/01 7:09:51 PM Central Daylight Time
>From:    imhppy@china.com
>
>
>
>
>
>    New Wave Services

JESSE:[singing to tune of "Mr. White Keys" by Cherry Poppin' Daddies] Made a fortune sending spam using New Wave Services!  He's Mr. Spam Guy.

>SOME INFORMATION ABOUT OUR COMPANY:
>
>New Wave Services only distributes legal credit repair information and
>financial business programs to thousands of individuals all over the United
>States.

GUIDO: What if we're in some other country?

>             In doing so, we have developed a work-at-home program for
>individuals interested in the opportunity of earning an extra $500.00 to
>$1,500.00 per week working directly from the comforts of their own home,
>dorm or apartment. Our work-at-home program is an honest opportunity for you
>to earn a serious extra income without having to sacrifice a lot of your
>free time.
SPEEDY: Assuming you have no life.
JESSE: Like me.


>             All of the work that you will be doing is very simple and can be
>done from your desk or right at your kitchen table. As a home worker, you
>can work full or part time whenever you have the free time, mornings,
>afternoons or evenings.

JESSE: Fourty hours a week at that?  I don't think I could stand it.
GUIDO: Full time is fourty hours a week?
JESSE: Around here, yeah.

>                                        In addition, there is absolutely no experience
>necessary for you to participate in our program. Our work-at-home program is
>perfect for individuals interested in earning a serious extra income to help
>pay off of their bills! That's right! If you have car payments, rent,
>mortgage payments, credit card bills, loan payments, etc...this is an
>excellent opportunity for you to supplement your existing income and start
>putting some extra money in your pocket! If you are interested, the
>following information will help to further explain the very profitable
>work-at-home program that we have to offer you.

SPEEDY: Excluding taxes, of course.
GUIDO: You've been hanging around Francine again, haven't you?

>
>PROGRAM DESCRIPTION:
>
>Our program simply involves the folding and processing of pamphlets. YOU
>WILL RECEIVE A FULL $1.00 FOR EACH AND EVERY PAMPHLET THAT YOU >PROCESS!

JESSE:[Dennis the Menace] Wow!  A whole dollar!
SPEEDY: I had a dollar once...
GUDO: Man, that was a fun weekend.

>                       What do we mean by process? It's simple...
>
>FIRST: You will neatly fold the provided preprinted single-sided (8 1/2 by
>11 inch) pamphlets into thirds [The pamphlet that you will be processing
>will be provided to you and will be printed on regular 20 lb. (8-1/2 by 11)
>inch paper.
>

JESSE:[sings passage to tune of "Flying Saucer" by Brave Combo] First, you fold the prepreprinted pamphlets into thirds on their regular paper...

>SECOND: You will neatly insert the folded pamphlets into the pre-addressed,
>postage paid envelopes [These envelopes will be sent directly to your home,
>dorm or apartment with customers' names and addresses already printed on the
>envelopes along with postage already affixed to the envelopes].
>

SPEEDY:[sings passage to tune of "Flying Saucer"] Then you neatly insert them into the pre-addressed envelopes...

>THIRD: Lick and seal these envelopes and then send them out, directly to the
>customers.
>

GUIDO:[same as above] Third, you lick and seal them up and send them out...
ALL:[continue singing] I wanna see my dollar,  I wanna see my dollar.  Sent as a check or money order or even as cash,  I wanna see my dollar!

>It's that simple! You DO NOT have to pay any postage costs to send out these
>pamphlets. The pre-addressed, postage paid envelopes will be sent directly
>to your home, dorm or apartment. You simply fold the pamphlets, insert them
>in the envelopes and send them right out! Remember, all of the processing
>work can easily be done at your desk or right at your kitchen table!
>IMPORTANT: We do provide you with the actual pamphlet that you will be
>processing which is a sales pamphlet for our Credit Repair Manual. Our
>Credit Repair Manual is a best-selling financial product that many people
>are ordering and using to legally clear up their negative credit.

JESSE: Notice the emphasis on this being legal, guys?

>                                                                                                     And since
>the demand for our Credit Repair Manual is so OVERWHELMING, you will have
>the opportunity to process as many pamphlets as your schedule can handle!
>You can process 100...500...1,000 or even 1,500 pamphlets per week, week
>after week, month after month, year after year ...

JESSE: That may be pushing it a bit, there.

>                                                                           for as long as you wish
>to participate!
>

SPEEDY:[spam author] Or at least untill our own credit goes bad.

>HOW MUCH MONEY CAN YOU EARN?
>
>YOU WILL RECEIVE A FULL $1.00 FOR EACH AND EVERY PAMPHLET THAT >YOU PROCESS!

JESSE:[spam author] YOU WILL BE ON THE ROAD TO BIG BUCKS!
SPEEDY: Well, I suppose it could happen.
JESSE: That's not quite what I meant.
SPEEDY: Well, you could.
JESSE:[holds hands a distance apart] I meant... Oh, never mind.

>If you process 500 pamphlets you will receive a full $500.00..If you process
>1,000 pamphlets you will receive a full $1,000.00...if you process 1,500
>pamphlets you will receive a full $1,500.00...Etc!

SPEEDY:[half excited] Oh, I get it now!  Big bucks...

>                                                                             What's even better about
>our program is that you NEVER have to worry about the sale of our Credit
>Repair Manual in order to receive your $1.00 per pamphlet.

JESSE: Well, techicnically, you don't, anyway.  If the maual doesn't sell, the company has no money to pay you with.

>                                                                                             Our program DOES
>NOT WORK ON COMMISSION! You will receive a FULL $1.00 for each and every
>pamphlet that you process REGARDLESS if any sales are made! Even if you
>process 1,500 pamphlets and no sales are made, you will still earn A FULL
>$1,500.00! It's simple, process 1,500 pamphlets, and receive A FULL
>$1,500.00 for your time and effort! Processing payments and additional
>processing materials will continue to arrive at your home, dorm or apartment
>for as long as you wish to continue participating in the program!

GUIDO: How will they know when to pay us?

>                                                                                                   That's
>right, you can always have money coming in week after week because
>processing payments and additional processing materials will continue to
>arrive at your home, dorm or apartment for as long as you wish to
>participate! Honestly, there is NO GUESSWORK.

JESSE:[Bill Clinton] That all depends on what the meaning of "guesswork" is...

>                                                                                  Our program has been around
>for several years and is very successful!
>

SPEEDY: That depends on how they determine success.
GUIDO: Yeah.

>FACT: Even working slowly, you could still earn a MUCH BETTER weekly income
>than most regular 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM jobs!
>
>THERE IS NO EXPERIENCE REQUIRED TO PARTICIPATE IN OUR PROGRAM:
>

JESSE: In fact, the less you have, the more suited to the program you are.
GUIDO: Kinda like our narrator's job.

>Anyone, young or old, male or female, anywhere in the United States can
>easily earn great money participating in our Pamphlet Processing Program!
>The reason why our program does not require any experience is simple...it
>does not take any previous experience to fold a pamphlet, insert it into an
>envelope, and seal an envelope.

SPEEDY: Really?  You suppose that's how the narrator gets all his money?

>                                                   Plus, our program is especially beneficial
>for people who need to earn a serious extra income but might not have the
>spare time for a second job.

JESSE: Right, no time for a second job but all the time in the world to fold enough pamphlets to make it worthwhile.

>                                               As stated, just a few hours per day could
>possibly earn you well over $500.00 per week... NO JOKE! Just imagine

GUIDO:[singing] ...all the people...

>                                                                                                                     how
>nice it would be if you could earn an extra $500.00 to $1,500.00 per week
>working from your home...no more annoying boss...no more hectic rush hour
>commuting...no more stressful 9 to 5 job...and no more headaches! FACT:
>Practically every type of person can benefit financially from our Pamphlet
>Processing Program.

JESSE: Jail time can be a real character builder.

>                                  IMPORTANT: The information contained in our Credit
>Repair Manual is 100% Legal and Legitimate! In fact, there are hundreds of
>lawyers and attorneys all over the country using this valuable information
>and charging people big money to remove negative and incorrect items from
>their credit files!

GUIDO: Does that make it legitimate?

>                            However, our Credit Repair Manual explains how people
>can do the VERY SAME THING that these costly attorneys are doing except our
>credit repair manual shows people how to repair their credit FAST, EASY and
>for FREE without having to hire an attorney!

JESSE: Even though they probably should.

>                                                                         Now is the time,

JESSE: For all good men...
GUIDO:[interrupts] ...and women...
JESSE:[resumes] ...to serve their country.

>                                                                                                   there are
>TENS-OF-MILLIONS of Americans with bad credit that would probably love to
>receive our Credit Repair Manual! Therefore, if you are serious about
>devoting a few hours per week towards the opportunity of earning an honest
>extra income, our $1.00 Pamphlet Processing Program is PERFECT FOR YOU!
>
>IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PARTICIPATE:
>

JESSE: You're an idiot with no money.
SPEEDY: You have our jobs.
GUIDO: You'll be Little Tokyo's next big villian.

>We will send you a Starter's Kit containing the instructions necessary for
>you to begin participating IMMEDIATELY in our Pamphlet Processing Program!

GUIDO: Even though we've just told you all of them here.
JESSE: You guys seem to be getting the hang of this.

>Plus, your Starters Kit also contains your very own copy of Credit Repair
>Manual! That's right you can use our best-selling manual to legally clear up
>and repair any negative credit that you may have!

JESSE: They also miss minor editing errors with it.

>                                                                            This manual is included
>for becoming a member of our Pamphlet Processing Program! Therefore, to get
>started immediately, all that our company requires is a one-time refundable
>order-processing fee of only $45. Please understand, we cannot afford to
>send out a package of valuable materials to everyone interested in our
>program.

SPEEDY: Also understand that this is where our real money comes from.

>                 And also keep in mind that once you process 100 pamphlets you will
>have already earned your $45 back and are left with an extra $55 profit!!!
>We must charge a small processing fee to ensure that only serious
>individuals intend to participate in our program. Keep in mind, you NEVER
>have to pay us any other fees and you can participate for as long as you
>wish!

JESSE:[singing to tune of "In Heaven, There is No Beer" by Brave Combo] Our program has just one fee...
SPEEDY and GUIDO:[same] One fee!
JESSE:[singing] Untill we make up more...

>            This fee simply assures our company that you are indeed serious about
>our program and the opportunity to make good money working from your home.
>Sorry, we CAN NOT process your order form without the one-time processing
>fee since

GUIDO: ...it's our best way of taking people's money.

>                 there are far too many serious individuals willing to pay this
>small one-time fee in order to participate in our high profit work-at-home
>program. Therefore, all you have to do is just complete, print, sign, and
>send in the Order Form (FORM AHG-743: 19.S).

SPEEDY: What about the processing fee?

>                                                                                Please, be sure to complete the
>Order Form IN FULL, legible, with your correct shipping address in order to
>prevent any processing delays in the shipment of your package. That's right,
>if you are really looking for a 100% LEGAL and LEGITIMATE home based income
>opportunity we can honestly say that you have finally found the right
>company with an honest and proven money making program!
>

JESSE: And I can honestly say that's one of the most honest and proven senseless statement I've seen in spam so far.

>
>P.S. KNOW A FRIEND WHO MIGHT BE INTERESTED?
>PRINT A COPY FOR ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
>NOTE: ALL ORDERS FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY
>MUST BE ACCOMPANIED WITH THE PROCESSING FEE.
>FOR EACH FRIEND OR FAMILY ORDER, DEDUCT $10 FROM
>YOUR ORDER AS A BONUS. PRINT, COMPLETE AND MAIL
>IN THE ORDER FROM BELOW!
>

JESSE:[stands up and makes typical college footbal-fan hand gestures] DO IT NOW, FOOL!

>
>
>
>Please mail in the order form only. Print below this line only!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>                    - PROCESSING DEPARTMENT -
>                         New Wave Services
>                    17328 Ventura Blvd # 244 - 5662
>                          Encino, CA 91316
>
>
>
>
>                    - HOMEWORKER ORDER FORM -
>
>              * FORM AHG-743: 19.A (USE 2000-2001) *
>

SPEEDY: Isn't that a bit many?

>
>
>
>
>
>
>[Provide us with the correct mailing address to ship your starter's kit, and
>PLEASE PRINT CLEARLY]
>

JESSE: Sorry.  My printer never does anything clearly.

>
>
>
>
>
>
>FIRSTNAME:_______________________

JESSE: Londo
SPEEDY: Seymore
GUIDO: Fred

>                                                                      LASTNAME:_______________________
>

JESSE: MacKedzie
SPEEDY: Cheese
GUIDO: Um...

>ADDRESS:___________________________________________APT.#:________

JESSE: Haven't had time to make one up yet.
SPEEDY: What's Emperor Fred's address?
GUIDO: Little Tokyo, for sure...

>
>CITY:_______________________________STATE:_________ZIPCODE__________
>
>DAY PHONE:(____)_______-_______ EVENING PHONE #:(____)______-_______
>
>BIRTHDATE:__/__/__ EMAIL ADDRESS___________________________

JESSE:[Babylon 5 computer] Not available.

>
>SIGNATURE_________________________________TODAY'S DATE___/___/___
>
>
>YES, I would like the opportunity to earn extra money working right from the
>comfort of my home or apartment participating in the Pamphlet Processing
>Program. I understand that my starter's kit will contain the instructions
>necessary to get me started IMMEDIATELY as a member of the Pamphlet
>Processing Program! I also understand that my Starter's Kit will contain my
>very own copy of the CREDIT REPAIR MANUAL!

JESSE:[dumber sounding than usual] To hold and cuddle and to name George...

>                                                                                   I understand that I can use the
>CREDIT REPAIR MANUAL to legally clear up and repair any negative credit that
>I might have! I understand that this material is provided to me for becoming
>a member of the Pamphlet Processing Program! I also understand that I will
>be free to set my own hours and participate in the program either part-time
>or full-time. I do understand that a small refundable fee of $45 is a
>ONE-TIME FEE ONLY! I will not have to pay New Wave Services any other
>fees, EVER!

SPEEDY: There's gotta be more, I'm sure.

> IMPORTANT: Since we DO NOT want to create any unnecessary
>competition between our existing members we do reserve the right to stop
>accepting new members if our quota is met. Therefore, if you are serious
>about this income opportunity we do suggest that you send in you completed
>form IMMEDIATELY that will GUARANTEE the delivery of your Starter's Kit!
>
>DESIRED WEEKLY INCOME 100 300 500 700 800 900 1000 1100 1200 1300 1400 >1500
>(circle one)
>

JESSE: Which "one" do I circle up there?  I see eight.

>IMPORTANT: $50.00 ENCLOSED [$45 + $5 Postage and Handling]
>

SPEEDY: See? I knew there was more

>MONEY ORDERS AND CHECKS MUST BE PAYABLE TO:
>
>                 New Wave Services
>
>IMPORTANT: PLEASE ALLOW 2-4 WEEKS PROCESSING TIME FOR ORDERS >PLACED WITH CHECKS. ORDERS PLACED BY MONEY ORDER OR CASH >ALLOW 10 BUSINESS DAYS DELIVERY TIME.
>

GUIDO: REMINDER: DO NOT SEND CASH THROUGH THE MAIL.

>WHERE DID YOU SEE OUR COMPANY ADVERTISEMENT?
>
>NEWSPAPER____RECYCLER____MAIL____EMAIL____OTHER____
>
>

JESSE: Other
CATS: Strange movie theater

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>This is a one time mailing. To be removed from our database. Reply with "REMOVE" in >the subject line.

JESSE: Just be sure to.
GUIDO: Spell it correctly.

>Please allow 48-72 hours for removal.
>

SPEEDY: List selling time.
JESSE: And that's that.  Let's head out!
VOICE:[from lobby, screaming] Speedy!  Guido!  I know you two are in there!
GUIDO: Lucille's found us.
SPEEDY: Polly's probably with her.
JESSE: Should we stay here for awhile longer?
CATS: YES!

>
>
>
>
>----------------------- Headers --------------------------------

SPEEDY: Really hurt when you do them.
GUIDO: Or take one.

>Return-Path: <imhppy@china.com>
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>From: imhppy@china.com
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>To: you<>

ALL:[singing] Imhppy birthday to you; imhppy birthday to you...

>Subject: New Wave Services

SPEEDY: I still say that it refers to *me*!

>Date: Tue, 09 Oct 2001 15:04:19 -0700
>X-Sender: imhppy@china.com
>X-Mailer: QUALCOMM Windows Eudora Pro Version 4.1
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii"
>X-Priority: 3
>X-MSMail-Priority: Normal
>Message-ID: <GKYO9J00.KEO@hpsec.kurnia.com.my>

JESSE: Hear `em out there?
SPEEDY: No...
GUIDO: Me either.
LUCILLE:[from lobby] Don't make me send Polly in after you!
JESSE: Can they be bribed?
GUIDO: That depends.  What do you have for them?
JESSE: I'm not quite sure...
LUCILLE:[from lobby] Do you hear me?
JESSE: We'll just have to find out.
[All exit theater through double doors]

==============================================================

This is part one of three.  The plan at this point is that part two will come tomorrow and part three will be Saturday.  See you then, folks!