Back towards the end of my MiSTing career, I used to do a lot of email spam, in part because I would get a lot of it to work with, and saving it in a form that I could do so was much easier. I still get the same volume, but it's nowhere near what it used to be, in terms of funny content or ease of saving to work with.
This is one of the later so-called "live action" ones I did of a piece called "!Banned CD!Banned CD!" that I used simply because I had claimed it on the Web Site Number Nine Dibs List and felt I had to do something with it. It's a relatively bad piece, even for me. I think I threw it together in like one afternoon on a day off, and it shows. But hey, judging by the last few of these, maybe it'll be worth something here, just for what little entertainment value there may be here.
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Title: !Banned CD! Banned CD! 29378
Original Author: Unknown
MiSTing Author: Jesse Shearer; email: ambasosor_lardo@hotmail.com
Category: AD
Era: Nonstandard/None
[Scene opens on a live-action version of the theater used in the Digidefenders MiSTing series. JESSE is pouring himself a drink at the snack counter.]
JESSE: Well, folks, I know the last solo, live-action attempt I made flopped bigtime, but I'm gonna try it again, all the same. This is primarily because I need to vent a little bit and I want to actually use some of the cybertrash I claim. So, here's a little blip that showed up in my inbox the other day called !Banned CD! Banned CD! 29378. [Takes drink from soda fountain and raises it towards audience] Here's to high hopes for low expectations, I guess.
[Double doors open and JESSE takes the center seat.]
>From: w34u5@yahoo.com
JESSE: Wootyou at yahoo dot com? Already this person makes less sense than I do.
>Reply-To: "woiwe" q_ewo6s443@hotmail.com
>To: <urgent>
JESSE: No, I wouldn't say this is too urgent.
>Subject: !BANNED CD! BANNED CD!
JESSE:[poorly spoken] Oh, es en e-spam-ola, eh?
> 29378
JESSE: That many, huh?
>Date: Fri, 20 Sep 2002 07:45:27 -1600
>
>HI ,
>
>As a professional bulk mailer for 5 years. I made over $200,000 last 12 months selling >only one product, "The Banned CD".
JESSE: As a professional bulk mailer for five years, developing a strong grasp of written English hasn't been a high priority for you, I'd say.
>
>Luckily for you, the 'Bulker CD 2003" is now for sale!
JESSE: Yeah, lucky for me, huh?
> I decide to sell all secrets how I >made over $20,000 per month at home only few hours work.
JESSE: Ok, then. *When* will you decide to sell them?
>
>Why don't more people use Bulk Email Marketing?
JESSE: Uh, consience, morals, nothing to sell, better jobs...
>
>1. Lack of knowledge. Most people do not know how to set up a marketing campaign let alone >set up an effective email marketing campaign.
JESSE: Nor do many of them really care.
> Through hard work and >trial and error,
JESSE: Mostly error.
> we have developed simple yet successful strategies to >send your emails. We can show you how to do it properly.
JESSE: Choose your recipient, type the message and then hit send. It's worked for years.
>2. Fear of getting into trouble. Most people do not send email because they have heard >negative things about SPAM and that your isp will shut you down. This is true if you don't >know what you are doing and bulk email to the masses.
JESSE: Of course, most of us don't have things we want to broadcast to millions by way of email.
> If you don't believe in SPAM, we have developed alternative ways to bulk >email so that you are sending your emails responsibly without getting into any trouble at >all.
JESSE: Oh, you're not in any trouble. You're just the butt of a joke that will die ten seconds after it starts.
>3. Don't have the necessary equipment/softwares. To send your emails out, you need a >computer with specialized email software installed that will send or harvest your emails.
JESSE: A-O-Hell or Internet Explorer and Snotmail, for example.
>We are the email marketing software experts!
JESSE: Yeah, and I'm the weight loss expert.
> The softwares ranging will up to >thousands of dollars. Buying the correct software for your needs can be confusing.
JESSE: Slogging throug this email is *definaltely* confusing.
> Depending on your budget, requirements and goals, we can help >recommend the best software for you.
>
>BULKER CD-ROM has everything you need to start bulk Emailing immediately, all on this one >CD!
JESSE: Another simple way to annoy millions.
>BULKER CD-ROM is excellent for the beginner as well as the professional. Advertising my >products have never been easier!
>
JESSE: For this spam's sender, who the buyer does all the spamming for.
>
>Please Click the URL for the Detail!
JESSE: Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm not really into that sorta thing.
>
>http://211.100.8.118/bulk.htm
JESSE: Thanks for sharing, but no thanks.
>
>You are receiving this special offer because you have provided permission to receive third >party email communications regarding special online promotions or offers.
JESSE: And what newsgroup did I do that in?
> We strongly oppose the use of SPAM email and do not want to >send our mailings to anyone who does not wish to receive them.
JESSE: Yeah, right.
> If you do not >wish to receive any further messages from netcommission. To Be Removed From Our List, >acookbook@btamail.net.cn
JESSE:[singing] Bounce, bounce, bounce that mail!
[JESSE exits theater and returns to snack counter for end comments]
JESSE: Well, I guess I'm done venting for now. Thanks for all your patience. I hope a few of you got a laugh or two out of this. To those of you on the Web Site Number Nine dibslist, feel free to check out my archive at fanfiction dot net. If you see something you'd like to use, just let me know. In the meantime, I'm gonna get back to the anime MiSTings. Thanks again for your patience. We now return you to your normal anime viewing...
{{Credits. Theme music is a loop of *Harvey the Wonder Hampster* by Wierd Al.}}
[Starring]
Jesse Shearer as JESSE
[General]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 copyright Best Brains, Inc. and Sci Fi.
AOL copyright AOL-Time-Warner
Internet Explorer and Hotmail copyright Microsoft
Email copyright its original sender
Harvey the Wonder Hampster copyright Wierd Al Yankovic
Stringer:
>We strongly oppose the use of SPAM email and do not want to send our mailings to anyone who >does not wish to receive them.
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As I said at the top of the post, I seem to be getting quite a few hits off these old things I've been posting from the old floppies I had in my computer room. It's inspiring, really. Almost to the point that I'd consider getting back into writing these things. Who knows, it just may happen. Thank you for the inspiration.
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