There's more to the title than that, but we'll get to see that in a bit. First, though, I think I should set this up for context.
The last one of these I posted was of a junk email from late in my career as a MST3K fan writer. One of, of not the, last bit of fan fiction I based such a thing on was a fan-made series based on the third season of the Digimon franchise, titled Tamers, which is worth checking out. The series author went by the handle Phantom1, and, as memory serves, was part of the MiSTing community as well. There was a general solicitation that went out for fans of Digimon Tamers who were also MiSTing authors to apply the "treatment" to the first so-called episode of the series, and I took the call. I rather enjoyed the original story, and Phanto, as I called him, and I struck a deal to continue the series, both with and without the commentary, as long as we could. This arrangement lasted a surprisingly long time, all things considered.
What follows is not only my favorite in the series, but also my all-time favorite amongst the MiSTings that I personally wrote. So, here we have part one of three or four of Digimon Digidefenders: Episode 5!
================================================================
Title: Digimon: Digidefenders: Episode 5: The Great Escape/Ringside Seats
for Vicaralamon's Battle
Original Author: Phantom 1
MiSTing Author: Jesse Shearer; email: ambasosor_lardo@hotmail.com
Category: Anime
Era: Nonstandard/JMST3K
[Lobby. JESSE stands in front of the snack counter, dressed in a light
green hat, a plad flannel shirt, and tan pants held up by both a belt and a
pair of red and green suspenders instead of his usual teeshirt and
bluejeans.]
JESSE:[faked rough voice] Well, folks, it's that time again. Episode Five
of that Digimon series I've been showing has arrived. [Looks down and
remembers the costume] If you're wondering why I'm dressed different than
usual and faking the voice, I heard that Leomon and Jeri were coming by
later today, so I thought I'd do a Red Green impression to protect myself
from Renamon. That is, if she's around...
[LEOMON enters, with his "mane" sticking up in several places. Instead of
*his* normal look, he's wearing a dark green pullover sweater over a white
shirt with a tie tucked into the sweater; and some black slacks]
LEOMON: When does the show start?
JESSE:[returns to normal voice] Soon as Jeri shows up. That's a... that's a
new look for you, isn't it, Leomon?
LEOMON: I was going to say the same to you. I hear Rika and Renamon are
here today, so I thought I'd try a disguise to help keep Renamon from
beating you up again.
JESSE: Looks like we watch the same television shows. You decided on Dalton
Humphries and I went more for the Red Green look.
LEOMON: I guess so.
JESSE: So, where *is* Jeri, anyway?
LEOMON: She's with Rika and Renamon. They were all chatting with some guys
on the local pro basketball team.
JESSE: Jeri, I'd believe, but when it comes to Rika and Renamon acting like
that, I'll believe it when I see it.
[JERI, RIKA and RENAMON pass in front of the lobby window with three tall
men in basketball uniforms.]
LEOMON: Told you so.
JESSE: Well then... Should we wait for them?
LEOMON: Nah. They said they'd be going to dinner with their new friends.
JESSE: Sounds good. Today's feature is Episode Five of the Digimon series
I've been showing lately. I guess there are details at the start of the
film.
[The double doors open and reveal JESSE in the second seat in the row and
LEOMON at the end. They are as easily identified by either their hat or
hair respectively.]
>Digimon: Digidefenders
>
>Episode 5: The Great Escape/Ring-Side Seats for Vikaralamon's battle.
LEOMON: Yeah, I heard about that. Guilmon sure likes to talk sometimes.
JESSE: I wouldn't be supprised.
>
>At the Digidefender Headquarters, the entire control room was in an uproar!
> Strange >blue portals started opening up all over the world.
JESSE:[Babylon 5's Sinclair] Oh my god! It's a trap! Michell!
LEOMON: Huh?
JESSE: The Earth/Minbari War.
LEOMON: Could be worse, though.
JESSE: How so?
LEOMON: This could be a Pokemon/Digimon crossover.
JESSE Good point.
>
>"Triangulate the source of the energy wave," the Commander ordered.
JESSE: What the...? Jumpgates enough to fill the sky and they're tracking
energy waves?
>
>"Source triangulated. Central Shinjuku. The Sakiyuchi Building."
>
>The Commander cursed. "That stupid son of a... He has gone too far this
>time.
LEOMON: *Who* has gone too far?
JESSE: *He* has.
>
> Alert >Chi and Shinji
>immediately!"
>
>"Yes, ma'am."
>
>The Commander sat down in her command chair. {Yamaki, you fool,} she
>thought. >{Don't you see that by trying to rectify the situation, you're
>only making it worse. >Stubborn arrogant...}
>
>"Commander." It was Chi on the view screen. She was contacting from
>Beijing. >"What is wrong?"
>
>"I think there are going to be a couple of crossovers in Japan. Shinji
>will need your >help."
JESSE:[Commander] Oh yes, and the Minbari Invasion Fleet has reached Earth.
We're all going to die. But that's for someone else to wory about.
>
>Shinji's face came on a view screen next to Chi's. "Commander, something
>screwy is >happening over here."
>
>"We're aware of that, Shinji.
JESSE:[Shinji] Wait... You're aware that the Sci-Fi Channel just made three
good TV movies in a row?
LEOMON: They did?
JESSE: Don't I wish. But it would count as screwy if it actually happened.
> Leave your computer on. Chi
>will be there to asssist you."
>
>"Uh... sure." Their faces disappeared.
>
>The Commander absentmindedly rubbed the back of her neck. This was getting
>out of >hand. What would it take to convince him that what he's doing is
>harming Earth more >than helping it?
LEOMON: Shinji or Yamaki?
>
>"Ma'am," a technician called. It was the same one who asked if she was
>going to take >care of Frigimon when he crossovered. "Crossover detected
>in Japan. Whatever it is, >it's huge."
>
>{Blast. I don't think that the Digidefenders are ready for such big a
>task.}
>
>
>
>Shinji paced up and down his room. He never thought he hear himself think
>these >words. He was waiting for a girl. Sure, she was coming out of a
>computer from one >continent over, but still... How would his mother react
>if he saw him with an eight year >old girl in his room?
JESSE: Probably not as badly as mine would.
LEOMON: True, but then, you're at least ten years older than he is.
>
>His computer screen suddenly began glowing. Chi fell out and onto the
>ground.
JESSE:[sarcastic] No, she fell out and landed on the ceiling.
>
>"You okay?" Shinji asked as he helped her up.
>
>"Yeah, I'm fine. I just wish there was a better way to travel."
>
>"You could always try flying."
LEOMON:[Chi] I *did*.
>
>"Not funny."
>
>There was a knock on Shinji's door. "Shinji? Is everything all right? I
>thought I heard >some sort of crashing noise."
JESSE:[Shinji] Just booting up Windows XP, mom! Nothing to worry about!
>
>Shinji paniced. "Oh God, it's my Mom. If she sees you here, she's going
>to have >Gatomon! What to do, what to do, what to do... quick, into the
>closet!" Shinji pushed >her inside and shut the door just as his mother
>came in.
JESSE: For her sake, I hope it's bigger than *my* closet.
>
>"Shinji, are you all right?"
>
>"J... Just f... fine, Mom. Nothing wrong."
LEOMON: You know, I think he's a bit nervous.
>
>His mother gave him a skeptic look. "Are you sure? You're hiding
>something, I can >tell."
>
>"Me? No, no, no, no, nothing, I'm hiding nothing."
JESSE: Now, is that any way to refer to one of your friends?
>
>"Is that so?" Shinji's mother eyed the closet. She forced her way past
>him and up to the closet. Shinji covered his face with his hands and
>braced for the onslaught.
>
JESSE: He's an ostrich.
>Shinji's mother threw open the closet door.
LEOMON: As if she knew what were in store.
>
>The only things she saw were old clothes and school books piled on the
>ground.
JESSE: Kinda like mine.
>
>It was a good thing Shinji's mother didn't look at the door, Chi was
>hanging off a hook >on it.
>
>"Sorry, Shinji, I thought you were hiding one of those play magazines of
>Hishimama."
LEOMON: What's wrong with theater magazines?
JESSE: I think that's aimed more at Playboy magazine.
LEOMON: I don't think I've ever heard of that one.
JESSE: Be glad. You don't want to know.
>
>Shinji took a deep breath, the first one in over five minutes. His Mom
>didn't see Chi. >He couldn't believe his luck. He was spared the full
>wraith.
JESSE: The *wraith*? He's living with an evil spirit?
LEOMON: I'd hate to live with even *part* of one of those.
JESSE: Then again, it *does* sometimes help to have an evil spirit or two
around. Just for emergencies, of course
>
>Shinji's mother closed the door behind her. She thought she heard a thump,
>like >something falling, but dismissed it as clothes or school books.
>
>"Don't worry, Mom, I'm not hiding anything legal."
LEOMON: Poor choice of words there.
JESSE: Hey, Leomon. "Where's Waldo?" time. I see a few naughty magazines
under his desk.
LEOMON: I see an illegal immigrant hiding behind the bed.
JESSE: And there goes an Enron executive out the window.
LEOMON: Plus it looks like he's got some sort of science equipment lined up
between the bed and the dresser.
>
>"All right. I'll see you later." Shinji's mother turned and left the
>room.
>
>Shinji quickly shut his door again and opened the closet door. Chi was
>lying on the >ground.
>
>"Sorry about that," he said as he let her out.
>
>"Don't worry about it, most excitement I had in weeks."
>
>"Oh, Shinji," his mother called from outside the room. Again, they
>panicked. Shinji >threw Chi on the bed and covered her with blankets.
JESSE: I know panic can drive a person to do some pretty silly things, but
isn't a bit soon to be killing her?
>
> With instructions to stay still, he >dove for his computer chair
>just as his mother came in.
>
>"I forgot why I came in here in the first place. Don't go outside today.
>The >government's declared a state of emergency, something about a large
>pig downtown."
>
JESSE:[Shinji] Officer Smith's finally gonna explode, huh?
LEOMON:[Shinji's mom] Well, the doctors *did* warn him to go on a diet.
>"Really?" Shinji asked, actually concerned.
>
>"Yeah, the government asks everybody to stay in doors until the military
>has a chance to >engage the... whatever is out there."
LEOMON: Can't blame `em for trying, I guess.
JESSE: Hardly. But who's going to stay in a door all night?
>
>"Sure, Mom, no problem." And his Mom left again. Shinji took another deep
>breath. >Chi lifted herself out of the covers.
>
>"This is insane," she commented.
>
>"Yeah, we've been spending more time avoiding my Mother than engaging the
>Digimon."
JESSE:[to Shinji] Well, yes. You've spent the whole *TWO MINUTES* you've
been together avoiding your mom.
>
>"Shinji." Speak of the devil. Chi covered herself again as Shinji's
>mother came in. >"Dinner'll be late tonight, just thought I warn you."
>
>"Right."
JESSE:[Shinji] By the way, what's for dinner, Mom?
LEOMON:[Shinji's mom] Sweet and sour pork.
>
>Shinji's mother eyed the bed. "And how many times must I tell you to make
>your bed."
>
>"Sorry."
>
>And she left again, this time for good.
JESSE: Finally.
>
>"How are we going to get out now?" Chi asked.
LEOMON: Walking?
>
>"I've been thinking about that. Follow me." Shinji and Chi snuck out of
>his room and >down the hall to his parents' room. Adjacent to the bedroom
>was a balcony. Shinji >opened the door. He pointed downward to the
>balcony below them.
>
>"The lady downstairs is always out. We'll just drop down to that balcony
>and go out the >door."
>
>"Are you insane, Shinji? I can't jump that far."
JESSE:[Shinji/"The Lone Gunmen"'s Langley] I'm insane in the brain, baby!
>
>"Don't worry. Just hang off the ledge and jump down. Easy as falling off
>a log."
>
>"Or a balcony," Chi said. "All right, all right." Chi climbed over the
>banister. She >lowered herself until her feet were dangling from the
>balcony. Taking a few swings, >she leaped onto the balcony, falling on her
>butt.
>
>"You okay?" Shinji called from above.
>
>"Yeah.
JESSE:[Chi] Just broke both my legs!
> Hurry." Shinji followed Chi's movements. Unfortunately, he
>missed it. If Chi >hadn't caught his arm in time, he would've been
>seriously hurt.
>
>When Chi hauled him onto the balcony, Shinji smiled sheepishly.
LEOMON: Either Chi's buffer than she looks or Shinji's really light.
>
> "Well, it seem to >work in practice runs.
>Come on, we might be the only ones with enough power to stop >him."
LEOMON:[sarcastic] Right. Two kids whose Digimon are cards most of the time
are going to be able to beat the toughest Deva this far in the series.
>
>Shinji and Chi left the apartment and the overall building.
>
>"My D-4 is already picking out several Digimon signatures," Chi said.
>"Follow me." >Although Shinji could've just used his own D-4, he followed
>the Chinese girl through >town.
JESSE: Boy, "cute couples" all over in this series.
>
>They were coming close to the source. They could tell because of the
>shaking going on.
LEOMON:[singing] There's a whole lotta shakin' goin' on...
>
>As they came to the end of a street, the Digimon walked by. He was huge.
>A huge pig.
>
>Chi froze. "Shinji... what... what is he?"
LEOMON: What? She doesn't know a huge pig when she sees one?
JESSE: Sounds like Chi's brain must run some equivalent of Windows 95 on it.
>
>"Don't know, let me check." Shinji stared at his D-4. That's weird, I'm
>getting nothing." >Shinji tried pressing some buttons but still nothing.
>Finally there was a beeping sound.
JESSE: A few seconds later, Shinji realized that he'd set his Digivice to
"self-destruct mode."
>
>------------------Digimon--------------------------------------Database-----------------------
>
>Name: Vikaralamon
>Level: Ultimate
>Type: Deva
>Attribute: Vaccine
>Attack: Boar Bomb, Fusion Ball
>
>Shinji: Got something, finally. Vikaralamon. He an ultimate level
>Digimon. I don't know what makes him so horrible, his attacks or his
>smell.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>"It's so big," Chi gasped.
JESSE: Uh... No comment
LEOMON:[whistles for a few seconds]
> "Shinji, I don't think we can
>handle an ultimate."
>
>"I think you're right, let's tell the Commander."
>
>Shinji spoke into his D-4. "Hello? Commander? We have a problem!"
>
>"What is it?" Came the voice back.
>
>"It's Vikaralamon. He's gigantic and he's tearing up buildings like
>nothing. We won't be >able to handle this."
>
JESSE:[Shinji] Vikaralamon's going like stink.
LEOMON: Vikaralamon *is* stink.
>"All right, hang on. I'll alert the rest of the Digidefenders."
>
>"Thanks, Commander."
>
>"Um... Shinji, look." Three other creatures were facing down with
>Vikaralamon. One >was a gold-plated Digimon that looked like the cross
>between a rabbit and a dog.
JESSE: Rapidmon is *gold*? He sure looked *green* to me.
LEOMON: Nope, he's gold.
JESSE: It's moments like this that make me think I might actually have
inherited my grandfather's colorblindness.
>Another was what appeared to be a fox in magician's robes. The third was a
>large >robotic-looking dinosaur with huge arm blades.
>
>"Chi, use the D-4 to identify them."
>
JESSE:[Chi] Make me!
>"Okay."
>
>------------------Digimon--------------------------------------Database-----------------------
>
>Name: Rapidmon
>Level: Ultimate/Armored
>Type: Cyborg Digimon
>Attribute: Vaccine
>Attack: Tri-Beam, Rapid Fire, Miracle Missile
>
>Shinji: Let's see, the yellow-plated one is Rapidmon. But I'm not sure if
>this is the >armored version or the ultimate version.
JESSE: Well, don't look at me...
>
>
>
>Name: Taomon
>Level: Ultimate
>Type: Demon Man Digimon
>Attribute: Data
>Attack: Talisman of Light, Thousand Spells, Talisman Spell, Talisman Star
>
>Chi: Taomon, another ultimate-level Digimon. She has magical powers.
LEOMON: Right. Spells powerfull enough to take out most Digimon in one hit,
and all you can say about Taomon is "She's magical"?
JESSE: I believe that was "She has magical powers."
LEOMON: Same difference.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Shinji growled frusteratedly. "I can't get anything on Robo-saur. It's
>like he doesn't >even exist."
JESSE: Well, that's because up untill sometime earlier this month, he
didn't.
>
>"He kind of looks like Metal Greymon," Chi commented.
>
>Shinji sighed. "I wish it was him. Well, I know one thing. He certainly
>doesn't like >Vikaralamon." It was true. The look the red creature was
>giving was enough to scare >anybody. Anybody but Vikaralamon.
>
>Suddenly Shinji's D-4 started beeping. He looked at it and words came onto
>the screen.
>
>DOWNLOADING DATA FROM REMOTE SOURCE
JESSE: Speaking of, you suppose the ladies are back?
LEOMON: Probably. Let's go get them.
[both exit theater.]
[Lobby. JESSE and LEOMON find JERI, RIKA, and RENAMON huddled by the snack
counter. RIKA and RENAMON have their backs to the theater doors. JERI
notices, but JESSE signals for her to keep quiet before the others realize,
then removes his glasses before approaching the rear of the counter with
LEOMON close behind]
JESSE:[faked rough voice] Uh, can I help you ladies with something?
RIKA:[startled] Oh, sorry, sir. We were just... Jesse?
JESSE:[faked voice] Uh, no, I'm Red Green.
RENAMON: Are you sure? You look an awful lot like Jesse Shearer.
JESSE:[other voice] No, I'm Red Green. [taps LEOMON] Tell `em who we are,
Dalton.
LEOMON:[slight Canadian accent] I'm Dalton Humphries and this is my friend
Red Green.
JERI:[begins giggling]
RENAMON:[notices JESSE's glasses in his shirt pocket] Is that so, Mr. Green?
I've seen a few episodes of your show. [takes the glasses from their
hiding place] You've never needed these before.
LEOMON:[normal] I think we've been caught.
JESSE:[normal] I think you're right. But it was fun to at least try it, eh?
[to RENAMON] Now, if I could please have my glasses back, I'd gladly welcome
you to the movie with us.
RIKA: And if you don't get `em back?
JESSE: You can still come to see the movie, but I won't be quite as glad
about it.
JERI: How come?
JESSE: Let's just say that right now, none of you have any facial features,
and you're right in front of me. Distance doesn't improve the situation
any, either.
RENAMON: In that case, I'll hold onto these for awhile. [sticks JESSE's
glasses in her "glove"]
LEOMON: Now what?
JESSE: Oh, I'll just have to think of some way to get them back.
RIKA: Now, let's go watch the rest of the movie.
[all enter theater]
[JESSE is near the center of the row. JERI is to his right, then RIKA,
RENAMON and LEOMON sitting in the aisle seat.]
========================================================
Ultimately, this fan series made it through what was maybe a third or halfway through the run of the anime it was based on, Digimon Tamers, information on which I linked to at the top of the article. The Digidefenders series itself has eleven chapters, which can be found on FanFictionDotNet. The MiSTing has nine chapters, consisting of ten Digidefenders chapters, and can be found on EWIC (Digidefenders is the first entry under "Miscellaneous" on the linked page).
Sadly, not long after the last chapter of the MiSTing was completed in 2003, other priorities in my own life, and presumably Phantom 1's as well, became more dominant than fan fiction and the series was discontinued. I'd like to think that there's at least some potential for both these series to continue, but at this point, it's been the better part of ten years, and to the best of my knowledge at this point, there are no longer any active MiSTing archives on the web.
As always, this is To Be Continued as time allows.
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