Thursday, March 31, 2011

BeefSqueezer 9000

From the makers of the GruntMaster 6000.

Busy days on the job sometimes give me ideas while I'm at work. These ideas tend to be somewhat Dilbert-esque, which means that a good many of these ideas are bad, impractical, and/or just plain silly.

In this case, what comes to mind is something called the BeefSqueezer 9000. Basically, it's a machine that burger joints can herd live cattle into so everything gets ground up. The results will then be pumped into the store to be automatically pressed into patties and cooked.

To add another layer of disturbing to this, the BeefSqueezer will also cause a spray of blood and other gore every time a cow is ground up. Not the most appealing thing in the world, I know, but that's sort of the point, in a way.

The main intent of the BeefSqueezer is twofold: to help the human staff keep up with demand, and to help keep demand at a more manageable level. The smell, mess, and impracticality of using this device is intended to make people think a little more about how and what they order while at these quick-serve places. Sure, the big, multiple patty sandwiches that seem to be so popular these days are amongst the most profitable for the companies, but murder for the people cooking them, especially when there are several orders in a row that want more than one of them.

My thinking isn't so much to get people to stop coming entirely but to get them to start thinking about how hey, maybe they don't need to order five double cheeseburgers, for example. That's about the only time the BeefSqueezer will ever really need to be activated, after all. During rushes with lots of big sandwiches being sold.

Now, I know I'm probably going to regret this bit of passing fantasy, but as I've gotten older, I've started to think that a life lived without regrets is a life not truly lived. So, I'm going to publish this little bit of idle goofing around in an effort to vent a little bit, relieve a little frustration about the line of work from which I earn my living, and a few other things. Really, this was just fun to write.

So, anyway, I'll be back soon with something that's not so random and crazy as this. See you then.

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