Back towards the end of my time as a full-fledged fan fiction author, I was something of a master of bad crossover stories. In one of the weirdest ideas I ever had, I sat down and wrote a story that was essentially the characters of an anime show called Hamtaro acting as though they were in a watered down version of Grand Theft Auto 3.
It came about when I noticed that a lot of the voices in the two seemed similar. One of the odd things about this story is that it got some of the most serious reviews when I posted it back in 2003. It should be interesting to see what happens now that I'm revisiting it. Check it out.
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Warp Power Studios and Theaters Presents:
A J. Michael Shearer Production:
Grand Theft Ham-Ham
by Jesse Shearer
Grand Theft Auto series copyright Rockstar Games
Hamtaro distributed by ShoPro
Warning:
This fanfic is a crossover between Grand Theft Auto 3 and Hamtaro. As such, the
Hamtaro characters will be well out of character. Also, expect lots of coarse
language and violence. If such things bother you, please turn away now.
Otherwise, read on and enjoy.
Segment One: Ham-Hams at the Wheel
It was a nice spring morning when Hamtaro left his cage to go out and play.
After sliding down the downspout from the eavestrough near Laura's room and
pausing breifly on the dog's head, he ran off to find his friend Oxnard. When
Hamtaro found no sign of his friend, he began searching with little luck. The
little hampster did, however, manage to find a toy car that had been left
outside and unattended.
"Maybe I can use this to find Oxie faster," Hamtaro thought as he hopped into
the vehicle. "Too bad I don't know how to make it go."
After a few moments of coaxing, the car began to roll. Suddenly, Hamtaro
realized that he couldn't steer his ride and it went careening into a nearby
hedge. When he got out, Hamtaro saw Oxnard cowering a short distance away and
decided to speak with him.
"Whatcha doin', Oxie?" Hamtaro asked as he approached the slightly larger
hampster.
"Hiding from that thing you were riding, Hamtaro," Oxnard replied. "It scares
me."
"It's actually kinda fun," Hamtaro explained. "Wanna help me take it to the
clubhouse so we can give the others rides, too?"
"I don't know," Oxnard said. "It looks dangerous."
"Oh, we'll be alright. I think you'll like it once you try it," Hamtaro
encouraged his friend. "Besides, how else am I going to convice Boss that it's
safe if you don't come?"
"Well, alright," Oxnard agreed, "but I still don't think it's a good idea."
It was a tight squeeze in the car with both Hamtaro and Oxnard trying to fit in
the front seat. Once they were both in, they got the car rolling again, and it
was going faster than before.
"We're sure going fast, Hamtaro," Oxnard commented nervously. "Do you know how
to steer this thing?"
"I'm working on it," Hamtaro answered as they quickly came upon a crow, who
happened to be facing the other direction. Fortunately, the crow heard the car
coming and managed to jump just in time.
"Hey, watch it, jackass!" the crow called out as the hampsters sped away in
their toy car.
By the time they reached the Ham-Ham Clubhose a few minutes later, Hamtaro had
almost devised a way of steering the car, meaning that if he and Oxnard leaned
one way or the other the car might turn. Stopping was another matter. The
hampsters had managed to turn the car to one side before it hit the base of the
tree where the clubhouse was, but they couldn't stop untill they hit one of the
exposed roots and broke in half across the width. Boss came running out of the
entrance when he heard the commotion.
"What are you guys doing?" Boss asked his friends when he saw Oxnard and Hamtaro
squeezing out of the front half of the now broken car.
"I found this toy car and thought I'd bring it here so everybody could ride it,"
Hamtaro explained.
"And I suppose you've got all the controls figured out and stuff," Boss said
sarcastically.
"We just don't know how to make it stop yet," Oxnard said.
"It figures," Boss said. "If I help you fis that thing, will you teach me how it
works?"
"Sure," Hamtaro said.
"Wait here. I think I got some tape in the clubhouse," Boss said as he turned
and headed in. "Now I'll really be able to impress Bijou."
Hamtaro and Oxnard just gave each other funny looks as they waited for Boss to
return with the tape.
Stay tuned for Segment Two: Retreiving Penelope!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Warp Power Studios and Theaters Presents:
A J. Michael Shearer Production:
Grand Theft Ham-Ham
By Jesse Shearer
Warning:
This fanfic is a crossover between Grand Theft Auto 3 and Hamtaro. As such, the
Hamtaro characters will be well out of character. Also, expect lots of coarse
language and violence. If such things bother you, please turn away now.
Otherwise, read on and enjoy.
Segment Two: Retreiving Penelope:
A moment later, Boss returned with a large roll of white tape. It was just big
enough to give the largest of the Ham-Hams trouble moving it on his own.
"This should do the trick," Boss said as he approached the toy car.
"I hope so," Hamtaro said. "I really liked riding it."
"How will we get it back together?" Oxnard asked.
"Simple," Boss answered. "Hamtaro gets one part, you get the other, and the two
of you push them together while I tape."
"Sounds like a plan," Hamtaro agreed.
While the three male Ham-Hams were working on repairing the car, Pashmina showed
up with a worried expression on her face. The other three stopped their work and
went to see what was wrong.
"Penelope's missing," Pashmina explained. "I know she was still following me
over by the duck pond, but I haven't seen her since."
"We should help look for her," Boss suggested.
"Can we ride our thing while we do it?" Hamtaro asked.
"I suppose so..." Boss answered.
"I don't know if that's a good idea," Oxnard commented. "Penelope's kinda small,
you know."
"I can hold her while you and Boss steer," Hamtaro said. "Besides, we know where
to look and the ride will make things faster."
"And I'd like Penelope back as soon as possible," Pashmina said.
"OK, lets do it," Boss replied.
A few minutes later, all three male Ham-Hams had squeezed into the car and were
on their way to find the young hampster. As they swerved along their path to the
duck pond, the guys accidentally ran over a squirrel's tail, which caused it to
chatter loudly as it ran up a tree and began throwing acorns at them. Once they
had made it past the squirrel and its acorns, they narrowly avoided a robin, who
reacted loudly as well.
"There's a place you can go!" the robin shouted as the car sped past. A few
seconds later, the three Ham-Hams were at the duck pond. They had little trouble
finding Penelope, who was watching a flock of ducks spout gibberish at one
another.
"In the Navy," one of the ducks quacked as Boss, Oxnard and Hamtaro approached
their little friend.
"Penelope!" Hamtaro exlaimed as they approached.
"Auk-whee auk-whee!" Penelope chirped when she saw her friends.
"We've come to take you back to Pashmina," Boss said.
"Auk-yuu," Penelope acknoleged.
"I think she wants to stay and watch the ducks," Oxnard said.
"Eh, they're just spouting nonsense," Boss said.
"It's actually kinda soothing," Oxnard replied.
"Sail the seven seas," a duck quacked as it swam by.
"Boss is right, Oxie," Hamtaro said. "The ducks just aren't making any sense."
"Let's get Penelope back to the clubhouse," Boss said.
"Yeah," agreed Hamtaro. On the way back, Boss and Oxnard were in charge of
moving the car while Hamtaro kept Penelope safe. This trip was much easier than
the one getting to their friend, as the acorn-throwing squirrel had disappeared
and there were no birds in their path. The problem with stopping the vehicle
remained, as had become apparent when they reached the clubhouse, where they hit
the side of the tree again, narrowly missing Sandy in the process. Pashmina and
Maxwell were waiting nearby as well.
"Oh my god, what if you'd hit me?" Sandy shrieked as her friends got out of the
car.
"Oops. Sorry, Sandy," Hamtaro apologized. "At least we got Penelope here
safely."
"Thanks so much," Pashmina said. "Here's three sunflower seeds for all three of
you."
"Hey, did you realize that one of the wheels is broken on this car of yours?"
Maxwell asked.
"Let me have a look," Boss said. "Maybe I can fix it."
After examining the car's wheel for a few seconds, Boss decided that he would
indeed be able to fix it and went into the clubhouse for some equipment.
The possibility of a third segment is under consideration pending inspiration!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Warp Power Studios and Theaters Presents:
A J. Michael Shearer Production:
Grand Theft Ham-Ham
by Jesse Shearer
Grand Theft Auto series copyright Rockstar Games
Hamtaro distributed by ShoPro
WKRP in Cincinnati copyright MTM Enterprises and Company Four
Warning:
This fanfic is a crossover between Grand Theft Auto 3 and Hamtaro. As such, the
Hamtaro characters will be well out of character. Also, expect a fair amount of
coarse language and violence. If such things bother you, please turn away now.
Otherwise, read on and enjoy.
Segment Three: Radio
A few minutes later, Boss returned with a roll of clear tape and a toothpick to
fix the wheel with.
"I'll have to pry the wheel off to fix it," Boss said. "It'll probably take me
awhile, so why don't you guys hang out in the clubhouse until I'm done?"
The other Ham-Hams went in and sat around the table at the center of the room to
chat while they waited. While they were talking, Maxwell got up and went to look
for something.
"I'm sorry I almost hit you with that car," Oxnard apologized to Sandy. "We
haven't quite figured out how to stop yet."
"That's OK," Sandy replied. "It actually looks kinda fun. Can I try it?"
"Sure!" Hamtaro said. "Once Boss gets it fixed, I'll show you how it works."
Just then, Maxwell returned, carrying an object that looked like a small, red
radio.
"I've got something I want to show everybody," Maxwell said as he set the radio
on the table. "It's called a radio. I built it myself."
"Let's see if it works," Pashmina said.
"It should, but this is the first test," Maxwell said as he turned the device
on. It immediately began producing beeps of varying tones and lengths. All the
Ham-Hams in the room quickly covered their ears to block the noise.
"I don't think it works, Maxwell," Hamtaro shouted over the radio.
"Give it a minute," Maxwell responded. "My owners call it `music'."
A few seconds later, the sound stopped and the hamsters removed their paws from
their ears just in time to hear a voice on the radio.
"You're listening to Londo's Theremin Music Hour on KWPR, and I'm Londo," the
voice said. "That was `Beepity Beepity Beepity' by Beepalicious. Now it's time
for me to pay for that lovely tune, so here's a few commercials."
The first commercial was for sunflower seeds, and the Ham-Hams all agreed they
hoped that their owners got them the kind advertised. The second left them
looking at each other in bewilderment.
"Can I loose weight and still maintain my present lifestyle?" a male voice
asked. "*Hell* no! If I could, I wouldn't need to loose weight in the first
place. So until I decide it's time to get off my lazy ass and learn to exercise
and eat right, there's the Super Movie Star One-Minute Diet. Just one glass of
our special formula will make you slim and fit for a full day, whenever you
want. Call our toll-free number and order today!"
"Humans can be so strange sometimes," Pashmina said. A moment later, Boss came
in and said the car had been fixed and was ready to go again.
Segment Four: Sandy's Driving Lesson pending proper inspiration!
==============================================
Now, why, exactly I thought it was a good idea to write this particular story, I'm not exactly sure, but I did it, and it went up on FF.net in 2003. Since I've worked the last of the stories like this out of my system, I've only rarely gone back to fan fiction. It's been a long time, and there are indeed moments when I miss it, but those are few and far between, and getting moreso as time goes on.
See you with more of the usual in the near future, folks.
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